SPLOSION MAN = Best Micheal Bay film ever.
Shadow Complex = Best Super Metroid ripoff ever.
Aug 22, 2009
Aug 8, 2009
The No Can Do It - Wii (2009)
I recall that The Conduit (2009) had some mega-hype surrounding its release. Being the world's least interested FPS follower, I didn't really take that into any consideration and was going to pick this game up because all I wanted was to pretend I'm playing an ALIENS game.
This game is supposed to have a deep storyline - I'm assuming this because I can't stand the way they show the in-game story, which is by way of two secretive guys trying to communicate over walkie-talkies for the game's entire duration. Which can become pretty boring real fast. (AKA by the end of the stage 1.)
The story is apparently how there is a conspiracy that the US government is being controlled by aliens from another planet - or maybe it's an evil scientist who has created a mind-controlling gas and is making everyone do his bidding while he takes over the world. Something like that. Or maybe it's totally different, I dunno. Like I said, I skipped over the story entirely - which is pretty ironic because apparently Sega has put a lot behind the story. So much that they forgot to work on the gameplay.
Speaking of gameplay - it is a load of crap. The buttons are all messed up and in the wrong places. Where the hell is the PAUSE menu, I keep forgetting - OH MAYBE BECAUSE THERE ISN'T %%%%ING ONE!? This game easily makes me want to truly hate the Wii-mote because I'm pressing the + button to get to the menu but the stupid BALLZ keeps coming up. (Read on, you'll find out.)
The screen tends to get 'stuck' a whole lot while you're turning from side to side. I know I'm terrible when it comes to playing FPSs but this isn't exactly the first FPS I'm playing, and there have been times where within seconds I've been KO'd by hordes of evil aliens - who happen to look like mutated descendants of Kermit The Frog and make cute whimpering sounds (Pikmin) when you waste them.
The bad guys come at you in sets of the same kind. In the 4 levels that I've played so far, they comprise of feds dressed in suits and packing a handgun. There are soldiers who are dressed up like this is supposed to be HALO. Then there is an alien being who looks exactly like the Megan Fox humping Decepticon from TRASHFORMERS 2. A jet black being that resembles a hedgehog. And killer bees with red protective armor. We sure haven't seen those before. Pretty serious business guys, please keep this game away from small kids 'cause they'll get scared.
You carry this little ball called the ASS with you that throws out some mystical light with which you're able to pick up ancient alien scribbling that's posted in invisible ink at random places throughout the levels. So basically this game is not just about blowing away aliens and random mind-controlled agents - in this game you have to look around for alien hints otherwise you can't clear the level. It sounds pretty interesting but too bad it's really a piece of %%%%
There are random in-game puzzles that you have to locate using your one ball. All puzzles apparently are based on turning around 3 rings until you get a combination that will do something sweet. I'm guessing this because so far I haven't been able to complete a single puzzle - not even the very first one - because they are all totally non-intuitive and even if there are any on-screen instructions, they are all in FINE PRINT so you can't read anything until you glue your TV to your forehead.
You get to use a number of weapons throughout the game, but here's the catch - for each level, you get pre-set weapons and can't carry over any weapon into the next level. Plus you can only cycle through 2 weapons at a time. On the flipside, you get to use cool alien weapons. And by cool I mean gay. For example, there is a gun that looks a reverse cockroach, and you're shooting pellets out of its butt. And when you shoot aliens with it, they make cute coo-ing sounds, making you feel really bad for killing it. I mean wtf.
I cannot begin to explain how much is wrong with this game, but here's a hint: it blows.
Score: Madonna / Weird Al Yankovic
This game is supposed to have a deep storyline - I'm assuming this because I can't stand the way they show the in-game story, which is by way of two secretive guys trying to communicate over walkie-talkies for the game's entire duration. Which can become pretty boring real fast. (AKA by the end of the stage 1.)
The story is apparently how there is a conspiracy that the US government is being controlled by aliens from another planet - or maybe it's an evil scientist who has created a mind-controlling gas and is making everyone do his bidding while he takes over the world. Something like that. Or maybe it's totally different, I dunno. Like I said, I skipped over the story entirely - which is pretty ironic because apparently Sega has put a lot behind the story. So much that they forgot to work on the gameplay.
Speaking of gameplay - it is a load of crap. The buttons are all messed up and in the wrong places. Where the hell is the PAUSE menu, I keep forgetting - OH MAYBE BECAUSE THERE ISN'T %%%%ING ONE!? This game easily makes me want to truly hate the Wii-mote because I'm pressing the + button to get to the menu but the stupid BALLZ keeps coming up. (Read on, you'll find out.)
The screen tends to get 'stuck' a whole lot while you're turning from side to side. I know I'm terrible when it comes to playing FPSs but this isn't exactly the first FPS I'm playing, and there have been times where within seconds I've been KO'd by hordes of evil aliens - who happen to look like mutated descendants of Kermit The Frog and make cute whimpering sounds (Pikmin) when you waste them.
The bad guys come at you in sets of the same kind. In the 4 levels that I've played so far, they comprise of feds dressed in suits and packing a handgun. There are soldiers who are dressed up like this is supposed to be HALO. Then there is an alien being who looks exactly like the Megan Fox humping Decepticon from TRASHFORMERS 2. A jet black being that resembles a hedgehog. And killer bees with red protective armor. We sure haven't seen those before. Pretty serious business guys, please keep this game away from small kids 'cause they'll get scared.
You carry this little ball called the ASS with you that throws out some mystical light with which you're able to pick up ancient alien scribbling that's posted in invisible ink at random places throughout the levels. So basically this game is not just about blowing away aliens and random mind-controlled agents - in this game you have to look around for alien hints otherwise you can't clear the level. It sounds pretty interesting but too bad it's really a piece of %%%%
Press the + button to reveal your ball.
There are random in-game puzzles that you have to locate using your one ball. All puzzles apparently are based on turning around 3 rings until you get a combination that will do something sweet. I'm guessing this because so far I haven't been able to complete a single puzzle - not even the very first one - because they are all totally non-intuitive and even if there are any on-screen instructions, they are all in FINE PRINT so you can't read anything until you glue your TV to your forehead.
You get to use a number of weapons throughout the game, but here's the catch - for each level, you get pre-set weapons and can't carry over any weapon into the next level. Plus you can only cycle through 2 weapons at a time. On the flipside, you get to use cool alien weapons. And by cool I mean gay. For example, there is a gun that looks a reverse cockroach, and you're shooting pellets out of its butt. And when you shoot aliens with it, they make cute coo-ing sounds, making you feel really bad for killing it. I mean wtf.
I cannot begin to explain how much is wrong with this game, but here's a hint: it blows.
Score: Madonna / Weird Al Yankovic
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