- "Wesker is alive."
- "Jill is blond."
- "Irving is gay."
These could be used interchangeably as tag lines for Resident Evil 5, the latest game in the RE series. Let's have a look at what this game has to offer to the gamer who by now is no stranger to survival horror.
First of all this game isn't really a survival horror. Except you need to SURVIVAL the 8-10 hours of tedious gameplay to get to the HORRORible ending. I doubt that's what CAPCOM had in mind when they came up with the whole "survival horror" gag in the first place back in the late 90s.
Once upon a time Chris visited the African country "Kijuju", which by the way has no connection with Kijuju's Bizarre Adventure. The reason Chris is there has to do with news of a serious bio-hazard type outbreak that he needs to investigate.
Upon arriving in Kijuju Chris meets up with Sheva Al-omar who is working for the same agency as Chris. The duo takes to the streets of Kijuju in Chris' bulging biceps and Sheva's tight jeans.
Everywhere they go Chris and Sheva can only see a bunch of angry, unfriendly looking taxpayers giving them the eyeball. Because that's what bio-hazard outbreaks do to people, I guess.
The plot thickens when Chris and Sheva step into a butcher shop and find a bloody table, a dead animal carcass and a butcher knife. I mean, what kind of butcher does that in a butcher shop? (See also: it smells bad.)
They meet up with a stranger wearing a turban. His name is Reynard, the only Reynard in the whole world who'll be caught wearing a turban. He is also carrying 4 new outfits for them inside his turban, but will only give 2 outfits at a time, and that also depends on if you've already completed the game once or not, and how terribly you played. (If I were Chris, I'd know where to use the butcher knife right about now.)
The moment they load their weapons Reynard makes a break for it. That's the last we ever see of him in the entire game. He doesn't even text Sheva to ask what she's doing this weekend. Personally, I didn't even know his name was Reynard or that he even had a name until I googled "really gay RE5 character".
Suddenly the dangerous-looking people become zombies and storm the butcher shop. For some reason, I feel this has to be Gaynard's doing. Probably ran into his Kijujuan ex boyfriend, but anyway, this is where the game really begins.
For the next hour of your life (more like maybe 15 hours) you spend your time shooting zombies. Except they're not really zombies? but more like real-time people. Here are some of the popular non-zombie type zombies you will shoot at in the game:
- Farmer zombie: these are the kind of farmers who like to run directly into your face from a long way away, then stop and dodge left or right, and then swing a rake at you. The best way to get rid of this zombie is to kill it.
- Flower zombie: some of these zombie people like to grow man-eating flowers inside their heads, so if you blow away their brain ball, out comes the man-eating flower. At times you have to shoot the flower in the knee.
- Dynamite zombie: another non-zombie zombie throws dynamite sticks at you, and that's after it's been set alight. You can kill it by shooting at the dynamite he's holding up, which will make him an instant zombie noodle snack. The hard part is to find out where he is, because this zombie is the Tim Lincecum of all zombies and throws dynamite from a mile away. In fact, he stands so far away, you'd think he's a part of the background scenery.
- Kijuju Chainsaw Massacre zombie: this guy is skinnier than he looks and carries a tiny key-chain with him that's connected to a crocodile chainsaw. His task is basically to show you the Game Over screen many times by splicing your neck in two neatly foldable pieces, and that always comes in pretty handy if you need to pick up the bar of soap from the ground in the shower without having to bend over.
- Twin voodoo doctor zombie: these oversized World Heroes rejects always come in twos.
- Zombie pooch: the zombie dogs in this game are plain ugly and downright disgusting.
Maybe in RE6?Wesker is alive and still wearing his sunglasses. We see him working alongside two other devious characters - Excella in an unreal evening dress, and a Most Idiotic Looking Faggot (MILF) in a cloak.
Turns out MILF is Jill ;-( Chris and Sheva release Jill from Wesker's birth control device and she is free to call in sick for the rest of the day - or rest of the game. If you have the new RE5 GOLD EDITION, you can play as Jill as well as Excella.
[SPOILER] If you got RE5 GOLD EDITION just to play Jill and Excella, then this is the closest you will ever come to a female in your life.
The smoldering hot Excella transforms into a smelly, gooey blob of filth. But she makes up for it by becoming the most fun boss in the whole game. By the way, none of the other bosses is any fun at all. Especially Wesker, despite his 6 incarnations.
Chris and Sheva ruin Wesker's plan of world domination after they defeat Blob Excella. Chris also makes like RE1 and shoots Wesker with a Rocket Launcher From Heaven. But just as their escape plane is about to lift off, Wesker makes like the Queen Alien from ALIENS and hitches a ride.
In the most ridiculous last boss fight ever, Chris and Sheva drive Chris' standard army knife into Wesker's heart. There, wasn't that obvious? And you'd think you'd need a Magnum with Elvis Rounds to get rid of him.
Controls - Not so great, and in fact RE4 controls were better / 10
Sound - I personally don't prefer the whole jungle safari stuff, so, no thanks / 10
Graphics - Very awesome / 1,000
Replay - I only wanted to totally check out Sheva in her new outfit for like 2 minutes / 10
Overall - One of the more instantly forgettable Resident Evil games
Mashy / July 2010
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