Turkish Cinema

Oh dear God, where do I begin? I suppose the start of my personal journey through Turkish cinema is as good a place as any.

Not the worst movie ever made.

I'm one of those people who is drawn to "it's so bad it's good" (or ISBIG if you like acronyms) movies. The quintessential ISBIG movie is "Plan 9 From Outer Space". It's routinely called the worst movie ever made and it's fun to watch because the script and the acting and the special effects are so terrible you can't help but laugh, thus it's so bad it's actually entertaining and therefore "good". My friend Lucas stumbled upon Turkish Star Wars one day, and we decided it would be good for a laugh. Little did we know the dark path we were about to embark on. Turkish movies do not go from bad to good. They go from bad to good to awful to WTF? to astonishingly terrible to hilarious to SERIOUSLY SHUT IT OFF MY MIND CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. Apparently in the 70s Turkey made a thriving industry out of ripping off popular Hollywood movies, but the results of their efforts were so bizarre you can't fully appreciate their weirdness until you see them. I once watched two Turkish movies back to back and my psyche didn't recover for two full days. The funny part is, you think I'm kidding.

Turkish Star Trek

The first thing you notice about Turkish Star Trek is that they stole the opening shot directly from the TV show, but not before they subjected it to a bright orange filter. The second thing you notice is how the Star Trek music abruptly ends and is replaced by a surf instrumental interpretation of the Halloween theme. The bridge of the Enterprise looks normal except that Kirk and Spock look extremely gay, and the women's skirts are almost long enough to cover their crotch. They beam down to a planet and you are smacked in the face with two brutal realities of Turkish movies. First, the special effects are painful to watch. In this movie the transporter effect is apparently done by painting random blotches of white out over the actors until they abruptly disappear. Second, they beam down to some ancient ruins so derelict they're almost indistinguishable from caves. Turkey must be full of these things and the Turks love them. Any Turkish movie you see will use them as a set.

Every Star Trek fan will recognize the plot as stolen from an episode called "The Man Trap". Basically there's this alien who changes identities and kills people by sucking all the salt out of their body. Why did they choose this episode out of all the Star Trek episodes to rip off? It's a mystery. Another mystery is why they thought adding muscular cyborgs in silver loin cloths would make it better.

Okay, time out. So far what I have described is merely a seriously bad movie. It has yet to go Turkish. It is about to.

All of a sudden, with no warning whatsoever, the camera cuts to a jubilant wedding party set in what looks a lot like 1970s Turkey. They are there to witness the joyous union of a hideous troll and an unhappy hobo who is being held at gunpoint. Everybody is smiling and clapping and waving guns around when the hobo just disappears from existence and re-appears in Turkish Star Trek tunnel world where the well oiled muscle cyborg promptly picks him up and carries him off.

The rest of the movie is a mess. (The rest of the movie? lol) It seems to disproportionately feature the idiotic and apparently comedic antics of the hobo to the point that he becomes the main character. People pop in and out of existence at random and the alien switches identities all over the place so you never know who's who or where they are. Add to that the Turk's utter contempt for continuity and the fact that they apparently edit their movies with a dull chainsaw and you have a completely unintelligible bucket of nonsensical visual vomit. You might watch a 5 minute scene of the hobo engaging in the stupidest mis-haps over and over again until you're seriously bored and annoyed, and then it will suddenly cut to a hallway where two people are having a conversation and one of them will evaporate and then somebody else will pop into existence right in front of them and then turn into somebody else and start eating them while crew members walk right past them without seeming to care or even notice. It's impossible to make sense of, but your poor brain can't help but try until it gives up at last and leaks out of your ears with a whimper.

There are just a few more things about Turks In Space worth talking about.

- The phasor effect was achieved by scratching a hole in the film. It's one of those moments when you're looking at the screen and your jaw just drops because you can't believe someone would seriously put it in a movie and expect people to watch it. You will have at least one of these moments with every Turkish movie you see. At least one.

Hi, this is Ed Wood calling. I just wanted to say your special effects are reprehensible.

- Why is the main character of a Star Trek movie some random hobo? I was curious enough about it to research it online. It turns out he's a well known Turkish comedian and the whole movie was just a backdrop for his shenanigans. But then why would you pick Star Trek as a backdrop for this sort of thing? And more importantly, who the hell would find this funny? This led to what I call the first rule of Turkish cinema: Knowing the answer to a question does not solve the mystery.

- In real Star Trek, the doors all open with a mechanical sort of VVVVT sound. In this movie they use the VVVVT sound in some scenes, but in others they use an effect that is clearly somebody going SWISHT! with their mouth. Lucas and I theorized that they did the sound to different scenses at different times and lost the sound effect halfway through the process and just didn't bother going back and making everything match. The instant we developed this hypothesis a door opened with a VVVVT and closed with a SWISHT!, which leads to the second rule of Turkish cinema: As soon as you think you have someting figured out, Turkish Cinema will read your mind and prove you wrong out of sheer spite.

Turkish E.T.

Of all the Turkish rip-offs I've seen, Turkish E.T. is probably the most faithful to the original. This of course is not saying much. The movie opens to a scene of a kid playing a boardgame which promptly explodes in fire.

Turkish board games: not for kids!

The first fifteen minutes or so the movie is about a typical day in the lives of Turkish kids. They run around in a gang led by a 19 year old girl who likes to hang out with ten year olds. They try to take their dog to school only to be turned away at the gate by an angry gatekeeper who later kills the dog. No, really, he KILLS the dog. I was staring at the screen shouting "Holy crap they used ACTUAL DEATH as a special effect!". ****ing Turks.

At least one animal was harmed in the making of this motion picture.

Then they go home and Elliot's dad tries to kill the entire family with a pair of barbecue tongs. I don't know what he was screaming about because I don't speak Turkish and there were no subtitles, but I've seen a couple subtitled Turkish movies and rather than being an aid to understanding they are instead an additional barrier. This of course is in obedience to the first rule of Turkish cinema.

Typical Turkish father

In contrast to the Spielberg movie, E.T. is not at all lovable or cute. He is instead bizarre, disgusting looking, and vaguely sinister. When E.T. is finally revealed, he introduces himself by blowing smoke out of his crotch.

I just don't even know what to say about this

E.T. himself looks like somebody tried to sculp a retarded gnome out of turds and then somehow made it melt.

Welcome to my house, Turd Gnome!

There's a scene where E.T. feeds Elliot some candy and it looks like something out of 2 Girls 1 Cup.

Smell my finger

The alien constantly emits this sort of low buzzing groan. It sounds like it was made by smashing a kazoo with a brick and then putting the whole thing in your mouth and trying to grunt through your nose, but I'm sure that's not how they did it. Too much effort. They probably just recorded the sound the dog made as it was dying and played it on a loop. E.T. doesn't hide from adults, he scurries around in the open with them but is careful to always stay behind them so he isn't seen. I thought this was a little odd so I began to think that perhaps E.T. was an elaborate game the children were playing and we were watching the world through Elliot's eyes, and E.T. lurking behind people's backs was an invention he had contrived to explain to himself why adults couldn't see him. I thought this was quite a neat hypothesis until the second rule of Turkish cinema kicked in. E.T. lets an adult see him and she abruptly drops dead.

While Elliot is at school E.T. builds his phone and looks at porno mags. The camera clearly focuses on on the centerfold. It's the only nudity I've ever seen in a Turkish movie and it happens to be in E.T. Go figure. After he's done with that chore he visits Elliot at school where he kills the teacher with his death gaze. The children celebrate by going outside and dancing in a circle. After a few more minutes of shenanigans and crotch-smoke, it is at last time for this travesty to come to an end. They fly away on a wooden wagon and call the aliens. They didn't have Speak and Spell in Turkey, so E.T. built his phone by covering an umbrella with aluminum foil. I hope S.E.T.I. has seen this movie. They might be interested in this technology. A box with Christmas lights on it (the spaceship?) finally comes to take the little turd gnome away. Elliot cries. The end.

I'll post some more Turkish movie reviews later. Maybe.

Trust me, I'm thinking of something to type here....

Hey everyone, Tokaro here. I've noticed a dry spell on the old blog so I thought I'd try to re-energize stuff.



I miss the 90's rap...

Good ol Capcom knows what the faithful SF fanbase likes, Okami and J-Pop!! That's right, the new intro to the console versions of the greatest game ever is terrible. This made me very sad because I was expecting something to the level of this...



Raven: HEYHAWCHI MICCHIMUH IS DED!!

I'M HEEEEERE NAOOOOOOOO! I'M DOIN' DA BEST I CAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!

*insert a few minutes of death metal Maximum the Hormone like screaming about Sparking.*

Haha....yeah good stuff....

But anyway, Cammy's alt costume ISN'T Shadaloo Cammy and DOESN'T HAVE ROLLER SKATES! I don't even play Cammy and that pissed me off, from what I've seen this console port is pure fanservice so what's more fanservicey than Cammy's ass?

Gogger Weekend #2.99

gotta click to read!

Nuclear Piledriver

Yo, Tokaro here and ready to share his day with you. After a rousing day of HD Remix, I tried to replay good ol' 3s, wasn't happening apparently. So, I guess I'm a little rusty at the old Third Strike, given the growing popularity of Street Fighter IV ( such as the AI ranbats), is 3s going to DIE!?

I am very scared that my favorite game in the whole world has finally reached the climax of it's life, que sara sara I suppose but I'll miss such moments as that broken Chun and Yun dominating the game...wai-WAIT!! No I wont! This may be a good thing after all! 3s has lived a full life and now it can finally get some well deserved rest. However no Dudley in IV pisses me off to no end.






















Another note is the new black guy in FF XIII seen above, apparently this is astounding because no one remembers Barret from FF VII. Oh right! All the FF VII haven't ever actually PLAYED THE GAME!!!!!! But yeah this guy has a fabulous afro and looks like Richard Pryor AND is dating the protagonist! Eh? EH!? White women!? He hangs out with a baby chocobo! EH!? FRIED CHOCOBO!?!?!? As a black male, I am delighted at how awesome this guy is and offended at how big of a stereotype he happens to be. All and all, he's Nomura's best design ever and I mean come on, Nomura is about as bad as Falcoon so this dude is impressive.

This guy got me interested in FF XIII again, I hope he's on the cover. I pray to god that he's on the cover, I can't wait to get this dude in my party. This is all because of Obama btw. I know it is, Japan barely knew what black people were until Obama Giga Drill Breaker'd McCain.

Also Kotaku said he's the first playable black guy since Barret. What about KIROS! He was stylish! He was like, the Prince of the Final Fantasy universe. The artist formerly known as Kiros. Hopefully this Sahz Katsroy gentleman says DAAAAAAAAAAAYM! at least once.

The Final Fantasy XIII demo comes with Final Fantasy VII Advent Children Complete on Blu-Ray so if you have a PS3 and have an interest in zipper guns and black dudes, import that dawg!

Also this.



This has been your president, John Henry Eden saying America will live and black guys in my JRPG's.

Shaft on a Plane

After having watched this movie, I guess it would now be fair to review it.

Let me begin with mentioning that the story is pretty straightforward, the effects are alright, the pacing is fast and pretty good, and put together with the basic premise - snakes on an airplane - makes for a pretty exciting concept for one hell of an action-thriller.

But the film-makers forgot one basic rule in all movies: if you're going to cast Samuel L Jackson, it's going to be a comedy. It's like casting Jim Carrey in Ben Hur. Or Chris Farley in The 10 Commandments. Or Steve Martin in The Pink Panther.

Samuel L "I'm not Michael's dad" Jackson plays a fed who's protecting an eye-witness. They have to board a plane flying from Hawaii to, I dunno, somewhere that's not Hawaii. (Q. How do you spell Hawaii?) But little do they know, the bad guy has planted a crate full of snakes on the plane, a crate set to automatically open and unload its deadly cargo soon after the plane's taken off.


What happens after that?
Well, you have one of 2 options to choose from:



1) Your standard over-the-top all-out nail-bitingly exciting thriller with a completely unexpected twist at the end.

OR

2) A scene involving an r-tard getting bit by a snake right in the ANDY BOGARD, Samuel L Jackson cursing aloud, and 90 minutes of your life down the drainpipe.


If you like crappy movies that are so horrible that they fall directly under option-2, then this is the movie for you. 5/10

P.S. I totally loved it.

2008

Here is my 08 review. It is very very unorganized. I have quite a lot to say. I think.


There is No Game of the Year


No games that came out this year stood out above all else as so much better. Not completely, really. Part of the problem is that there was such a wide variety of different games with different purposes and audiences. At the same time it felt like there were so many games that just bogged down the shelf with the same old shit over and over again. I am reading a book about puritans.

Vultureman was a 'tard


I don't play my DS on the bus or outside of my house at all, usually. Is that odd? Do most people play their DS (or PSP) on the go, as was intended by the creator? I don't know. I don't really think so, honestly. It's not like this is Japan, where everyone takes the train. The best DS games I played this year were either completely portable in that sense, or completely not. Space Invaders Extreme allows quick and easy, pick up and play action, no bogging you down with story or any of that shit. It is the Ripcord Gogger 2008 Portable Arcade Shooter Remake with wonderful enhancements Game of the Year. I thought Space Invaders was the most boring franchise in classic games. Even Pong was more fun to me, somehow. Probably because it is so simple. But Space Invaders, though, that was a tough one. It's slow, unchanging and utterly dull. Space Invaders Extreme deserves the praise though. They have taken something so old, so completely outdated, and made it absolutely new. It is one of the cornerstones of this year's "neo-retro" movement. It gets 46 out of 53 stars from me.

Also on the DS was Professor Layton and the Curious Village, also known as Professor Lipton and the Curious Village. It is delightful. If you like logic puzzles. It is playable in minute chunks, if necessary. I let someone borrow it and need to get it back, but it was certainly the Ripcord Gogger 2008 Puzzle-y Brain Teaser with a Vaguely European Style Even Though it was Made in Japan Game of the Year. If you like seperating things into categories, this is the game for you. 180 out of 195 pumpkins.

Finally, Chrono Trigger. My god, Chrono Trigger. It is exactly the same, aside from the differences (added stuff). I am glad I did not have to pay $80 for a game that is not even that rare, just very in demand. It still has a robot and a cave-woman in it after all these years. Ripcord Gogger declares it their 2008 Totally Vanilla but Still Great Because the Game is Great SNES RPG Port on the DS game of the year. It remains totally difficult to play on the go, as it features the completely outdated "save point" system. But I don't care. 48,000 out of 48,001 thumbtacks.

The 100 Greatest Detectives of All Time


PS3 is the most powerful console currently available for purchase. It is almost impossible to tell. No one can seem to develop for this thing, or if they do, it is an after-thought. MGS4 and Little Big Planet are arguably the 2 most high profile releases for PS3 this year, and they are also arguably the best games of the year. I have played neither. What I have played is CONAN. It is not very good. On my patented "thumbs up thumbs down" approval scale, it gets a thumbs squarely in the middle. I like to kill stuff as Conan, he's my favorite Barbarian. The best games I actually did play on PS3 this year were multiplatform. Fallout 3, NHL 09, Burnout Paradise and Rock Band 2 are all excellent. I would probably go so far as to say they are the Ripcord Gogger 2008 Multiplatform Multigenre Multimedia Multicultural Multiplication Multiplayer (except Fallout 3) Multicolor Multimillion-selling Multiplicity (the movie) Games of the Year. They get a respective A-, A, A, and A- and a collective "Buy It" on my patented "Buy It, Rent It, Trash It" scale. Unless you don't think you'll like them. Then go get Conan. Conan gets a 7.3 out of 10. The .3 is for nudity.

I Got a Suicide Girls Magazine in the Mail Yesterday and I didn't order it at all, but I still looked at it!


The real star attraction of 08 for me were the downloadable games. They blew me the f away. At least Capcom's efforts did. And the demo of Braid I played on someone else's Xbox360. Seriously though. Mega Man 9 is maybe the best Mega Man game to come out since Mega Man 3. It is crazy, crazy good. My official Review: OH GOD OH GOD ITS MEGA MAN. I also really liked Super Street Fighter etc etc HD Remix. It's a great update of an older game and is the best online fighting game to be released. Mainly because it doesnt have Kilik in it. These two games are the Ripcord Gogger 2008 Capcom Downloadable Games that Totally F Your Skull but Still get Somehow Out-Classed of the Year. I give them 89% of a Twix bar.

The real downloadable attraction this year was Bionic Commando Re-Armed. A remake of the NES game, but rebalanced and rewritten with amazingly awesome jokes. Plays smooth as silk, looks GREAT. In my opinion, this was the best looking game of the year. Better than MGS4 (not really) or Gears 2 (ok thats a stretch). I have absolutely nothing but admiration for this game. Seriously. My review in 8 words is this: Bionic Commando Re-Armed is better than you deserve. It is the Ripcord Gogger 2008 Official Game of the Year. Which I said there was not one of, but I lied. I totally lied to everyone. It's the best game of the century. So far. On my scale it gets 100 out of 50 stars.

GTA4 was pretty goddamn boring and also I think the Watchmen movie is going to make me sad

08 is the last year that I can recall happening. 09 seems to be the year where everyone is predicting to worst. So far, the worst is coming true. There is a war. The economy in the US is in the pot. A new Tenchu game is coming out. Perhaps the saddest thing on this day is the takeover and dismantling of the 1up network and EGM by the Hearst Corporation and UGO.com. EGM, one of the foundations of videogame writing in the US has been cancelled, and most all of its longtime employees have been fired. 1up.com has also layed off the majority of its staff and it undergoing a merge with the UGO network. Nothing at all good will come of this, not the least is that the editors and writers from 1up and EGM now have nowhere to work. EGM has always had an extreme amount of integrity and a large number of very talented writers. Their opinions were always backed up well, and as a result, I put more stock in an EGM review of a game than any other source (except Tim Rogers)(j/k)(lol). I am sad to see them go. It feels like the entire game industry has stopped in a way. Who will pander to Sony now if not Shane Bettanhausen? Who will get bored with games and declare challenging things terrible if not Garnett Lee? Who will score every god-damned game an A- as long as it has some artsy fartsy qualities if not Nick Suttner? It is an injustice to the whole concept of games writing that EGM is axed while Game Informer will probably continue for years, as long as gamestop keeps forcing it on people.

EGM would have been 20 in February.

Hopefully 09 gets better from here.

STAR WARS: series review

One day my buddy heatingpad was wearing a STAR WARS t-shirt that read THE SITH LORD.

At first glance, I thought it said THE SH!T LORD.

P.S. No offense to Lordy.

More like My S*$%ty Screams!!

Hey folks, your friendly neighborhood Tokaro-Man is here and is ready to share his feelings on the blockbusta, The Spirit.

Now if you know anything about a fellow named Frank Miller Jr. , you know he has a penchant for women of the night and headshots, also Carmen Elektra getting stabbed in the gut then getting a solo career out of it.

The Spirit came off as a 1950's pulp comic drenched in grim dark thanks to the antics of Mr. Miller and that sorta worked but from what the folks on the Marvel forums and /co/ have said, it is an abomination to Eisner's work.





Let me fill you in on why my buddy and I went to see the antics of Denny Colt with a 29.99 cent mask jumping roof to roof like The Tick. I have NEVER read an issue or any of the adaptations of The Spirit, I have begun to read the Darwin Cooke adaptation but so far, nothing else. I liked Sin City, usually the reason anyone went to see this movie and it has a scene where he back flips up a building. UP! Sweet Lordy 99!! UP!!




















"To ask why anything happens in Frank Miller's sludgy, hyper-stylized adaptation of a fabled comic book series by Will Eisner may be an exercise in futility. The only halfway interesting question is why the thing exists at all".

-A.O. Scott

I'll tell you why this exists, to make Wild Wild West and Spider-Man 3 look good. The real problem with The Spirit is pretty much everything, it's pacing is definitely off and if it was meant to be a film noir then it is a weak one, barely following the definition of the genre. Despite what many people think, film noir does not equal black and white, a film noir is a movie in which the protagonist, the usual everyman is flung into insane and unusual circumstances. The Spirit is a film that basically gives you little to nothing at the start other than Gabriel Macht jumping and Jamie King spouting cryptic statements. It assumes the audience knows of The Spirit but at the same time doesn't hold Eisner's comic near and dear to their heart which doesn't make sense. Either you don't know about it or you know everything about it, there is no middle ground.

"Gorgeous cinematography and design can't mask the hollow core and bizarre ugliness of this mishandled comics adaptation," and noted that while Eisner's own Spirit was "an average-Joe [...] in a rumpled suit — a vulnerable but insouciant Everyman in humanist fables", Miller's Spirit "now has a superpower — a healing factor. Eisner's own spirit must be spinning in its grave".
-Frank Lovece, Newsday

Like I said, noir takes the EVERYMAN and not Wolverine and thrusts them into the extraordinary. I have watched a fair deal of film noir and this movie cannot be classified as that at all. Film noir deals with the human condition, this movie has little to no emotional contribution to the viewer. Now these are the gripes I have with it as a movie goer. I happened to think that The Spirit was the funniest comedy I've seen in ages, even funny than The Day Billbert Didn't Post staring Klaatu Reeves. I mean come on, seppuku, a guy getting beaten with a disembodied head that Samuel L. Jackson tore off a dude, Nazis, French Assassin babes? Does this not sound like the best thing ever made!? And yes everyone, toilets ARE ALWAYS FUNNY!! Not as funny as bathtubs but y'know, they do the job.




The Spirit is great if you want the best comedy ever but it may be the worst comic book adaptation since BULK starring Eric Bania and 3 other guys.

Oh yeah and eggs, what the hell was that about!?

I give this movie 3 out of work Frank Miller's out of 10.





















Anyway, I hear chicks dig red ties and bad acting so I'm on my way. Catch you on the flipside!

Home is where the heart is

Tokaro here, it's time I talk to you folks about a little thing called Playstation Home. Playstation Home is the least social, social experience I have ever had the displeasure of enduring. This type of product was released only to tap a Second Life-esque sort of market of people who really don't like people but think they're socially affable.

Perhaps Home is an elaborate social experiment to see how many people don't play video games on their Playstation 3 or something. Anyway, I tried it out, walked into conversations and running man'd all over some poor helpless woman. After some downright trolling I went to the arcade only to find that the only game available was echochrome. I hate echochrome and press the fine people at Sony to put Pixeljunk Eden in the arcade so I can fall into a brain dead stupor and collect glowing leaves ignoring the hustle and bustle of this virtual world.

Women are often accosted especially by a smooth cat with a penchant for 3rd Strike and Spider-Man comics who will remain nameless. Anyway, this movement in gaming to introduce casuals with pocket change to gaming has gotten on my nerves. The new 360 dashboard is just a Wii skin more or less and Home is so fail.


















Enthralling!!












...Or you could go outside.


With that said, Home is kinda lame but it could be improved quite a bit, the server was very very solid in fact and I mean if they added a few more social environments then this could really flourish however the target audience is based around anti-social gamers and/or blu-ray advocates and their wives/girlfriends.

Thanks for listening CHIIIIIIIIILDREN!!!

Best AND Worst of 2008

First of all let me express my thanks to the fine dudes of Ripcord Gogger for letting me contribute to the blog, it warms my usually frosty heart. So far, nothing is coming out until Street Fighter IV and Killzone 2 so I've taken up watching bad movies to kill time and replaying the bests of the year. I noticed a worst of 2008 and a best of 2008 page on RG so I thought "Hey, I can do both!". I am also still hacking away at a solid Fallout 3 review so don't be discerned Badmash, I'll get to it.

Anywho, lets list!

The Best of 2008




















This lousy quality pic of First Admiral Falcon represents how much I loved that scene where Blonsky gets kicked into a tree.

Valkyria Chronicles- What should have been GOTY if Jack Black and his vassels of low-tier Hollywood didn't run the show. Valkyria is an immersive experience highlighted by it's Ghibli-esque visuals and TPS styled unit control sort of like Battalion Wars but good. This shows that Sega can still make good games as a seperate developer and they should phase Sonic Team out of the picture, ugh Unleashed... If this game isn't GOTY it should be a shoe-in for Strategy Game of the Year, sorry Red Alert 3 you're kinda like...crap.

Left 4 Dead- Obviously.

Making other maps from other general media in Far Cry 2- Yes, Helm's Deep and the skyscraper scene from Die Hard made out of glass and explosive barrels! YIPPIE KI-YAY MOTHER FARCRY! That was clever...I'm clever.

Me buying Robocop on Blu-Ray- Watching Peter Weller get shot up by Red Forman and his gang of punks in High-Def made me smile. I work for DICK JONES!!!

Gears of War 2- It's as good as GoW 1 but with bots? I'm in. Campaign is terrible. SPOILERS: The Locust Queen is Marcus' mom. Is that true? With the way GoW's "story" works it's sort of believable.

Resident Evil Degeneration- Thank you Capcom.

Resident Evil 5 Demo being the easiest thing to crack ever- Step 1: Google RE 5, Step 2: Download Resident Evil 5 Demo, Step 3: Burn to a CD, Step 4: Put in 360, Step 5: PROFIT. Also, thanks again Capcom.

Street Fighter IV- THANK YOU CAPCOM!!

Mega Man 9- Goddamn it Capcom, screw you. If I wanted to get a paddle up my buttburt I'd go on LavaLife.

Bionic Commando Rearmed-.....Jesus. Hitler's brain explosion...it's beautiful.

Gran Turismo 5 Prologue- This will hold me for a year, GRID sucks and Burnout doesn't let you do the stuff anyone would want to.

Soul Calibur IV- Surprisingly good but still has alot of III in there.

Disgaea 3- GRINDAN.

The First Chapter and Last 2 Chapters of Metal Gear Solid 4- Oh man, the best IS yet to come! Manly tears flowed when Tanker Incident began to play.

Eternal Sonata on PS3- Finally. Will I play it though? No.

The Dark Knight- LOLOLOLOL Best Movie EVAR!!! It's pretty freaking good I must say but Two-Face...why did you DIE!!!? AWWWW!!! NAH!!!! He even has the upturned lip from the series. Christian Bale and his lame Nathan Explosion voice.

Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann- Hey Gainax, good job making Gunbuster 3!! It's a good show but not Gainax's best like Wings of Honneiamise or Gunbuster but it's an improvement from FLCL. Drills. Yes.

Little BIG Planet- Very fun game, I made the first stage from Uncharted and the last part of Halo. Also thinking of making a Spirit stage and City 17. Yeah, inspires originality...sure.

Uncharted 2 trailer- As avid gamer Busta Rhymes so eloquently put... YEEEAH! NATHAN DRAKE IS BACK BAYBAY!!! WHOOOOOOOO!!! Rap = Video Games.

Resistance 2- Co-op levelling, it's like I'm playing WoW!! 60 people scurring around!? It's like I'm playing WoW!! Different colored armor!!? It's like I'm playing WoW.

F.E.A.R 2 trailer- Well, time to break out the adult Pampers because I'm gonna crap myself.

Iron Man- It was cool but not as good as The Incredible Hulk.

The Incredible Hulk- This was better than Iron Man but not as awesome as anything else. Also BLONDIE getting kicked into a TREE!? RAAAAAPTURRRRRRE!!!! That was even better than my Far Cry joke. I bet they're regretting adding me to the ROOSTER by now.

Hellboy II- Not a good move coming out a week before The Dark Knight but it was good. Also no David Hyde Pierce. What was he busy with all that NOTHING he has to do!?

I Am Legend- More like Will Smith and a shaky camera the Movie the Game! It was ok. Had Darkseekers and a guy freaking out and shooting up a mannequin.

Dead Space- System Shock 3.

No More Heroes 2 trailer- Getting a Wii.

Tatsunoko vs Capcom- Really getting a Wii!!

My buddy getting a BlazBlue board and hooking it up to a TV- I must go to Toronto, now.

Fallout 3- Everything but every subway and the ending.


The Worst of 2008

This image expresses all of the feelings I had while playing Alone in the Dark.

Fallout 3's Ending- Ok, they live in a world with a ton of robots and Fawkes was there!! Why did I have to die? I didn't WANT to die yet, I wanted to kill more Super Mutants and mourn the death of Initiate Reddin, the Carmine of this game. Also Moira had a moustache and that's no good.

The second chapter of Metal Gear Solid 4- Also known as 'Nanomachines and Naomi Hunter is Princess Peach.' This is the movie part of the game as most put it.

Mirror's Edge- Groundbreaking doesn't equal good. It has to be a GOOD game as well to go into the Portal category.

Battlefield: Bad Company- Very sad this game died so quickly.

Army of Two- Very sad this game made Heavenly Sword look long.

God of War PSP- Very average. Very, very AVERAGE!

Alone in the Dark- It's like a TV show I don't want to watch and I know would be cancelled in 1 day.

Alone in the Dark Inferno- It's like if the bad TV show got a really bad fanbase that brought it back later on and it still sucked.

Unreal Tournament III on 360- No mods eh? That was the only thing that made this game near playable!

Silent Hill Homecoming- Sorry Clerg, this game is bad Silent Hill fanfiction at it's worst. If this game didn't try to be Silent Hill then it wouldn't be so bad.

Banjo-Kazooie N&B- This game is NOT GOOD despite what people say. Rare's hayday ended with the N64 as did Free Radical's.

Haze- Oh god 4.5. The first half of the game is really bad and broken but the second half, gets oh so much worse.

The Spirit- The greatest worst movie ever, move aside Wild Wild West!! The comic forums and /co/ exploded with a rage that could only put in these words, At least Eisner is dead so he didn't have to see this. That movie made me laugh my ass off even more than Wild Wild West and Demolition Man combined and yes, Toilets ARE always funny.

SOCOM Confrontation- Depressing, thy've fixed it but still...depressing.

Spike VGA Awards- GRAND THEFT AUTO IV!?!?!?!?!?! WHAAAT!? ARE YOU SELIOUS!?
MGS4 does NOT HAVE THE BEST GRAPHICS OF 2008, CRYSIS WARHEAD CAME OUT!! REMEMBER!? OH WAIT, CASUAL STONERS DON'T PLAY PC GAMES!!! Even so, what about FC2? Gazelles! Africa! Yeesh, just a commercial popularity contest. This blog post was presented by Stride gum. Jack Black is a tool.

Endwar- Buy it for the headset, if you have a headset then Tom Clancy should just give up.

Red Alert 3- Disappointing. C&C3 is better than this and I hate C&C3!

Too Human- More like Too Awful! More like Too Glitchy!! More like this joke is Too Overused!!

Operation Darkness- Who knew you could ruin Nazi's and Werewolves with anime.

Fable II- Yeah, that's right. This should be called Fable: The Lost Chapters II because that's all it is. Combat is sloppy and tired, visuals are last gen level, the story and pacing are absolute rubbish, and menial tasks if you get apprehended!? Clean my attic. Screw that. This game is not good, the first Fable was not good. Molyneux did it again.

Square-Enix- Oh you better hope Star Ocean 4 is as good as 1 because Infinite Underwhelming and The Last Recycled Plot gauge the talent at Square-Enix. Enix got too much Sqaure in them and Square got too much Enix in them. Both FF XIII's look like crap.



So yeah those are my thoughts, thanks again for the support and I hop I can be a regular on here or something. Expect these things to come:

Review of Fallout 3

Review of The Spirit

Review of Demolition Man or Robocop 3

My thoughts on Spider-Man

Ciao folks!


EDIT: I cut out the parts that could be potentially hazardous to your relationship with your girlfriend(s) - Mash

Gogger Weekend #2

gotta click to read!