Bad (mash) Engrish

Hey Mash, I promised you a while ago that I'd write something for your communications class regarding the dangers of poor English. I was going to write it in an MS Word document, but I don't know if you have word, so I just put it here instead. Besides, this way our other reader might enjoy it too. Your English is very good, so some of this will be OLD NEWS, but it will be funny anyway. Unfortunately for you, these examples are all Japanese because I don't have any experience with Pakistani ESL people. Hopefully though there will be some general principles that you'll be able to use. I got all of these from Engrish.com, so thanks goes to them for existing.

After looking at a whole pile of examples, I sorted out what I thought were a few basic different categories of mistakes, and I'll go through them and give a few examples of each. First though I'd like to give you my favourite bit of Engrish ever. I can't fit it into a category because the English is so berserk I don't know where to begin critiquing it.

Please to buy a children for increase the pleasant time! If you can careful maybe you're survival!

It's a little hard to read, so I'll transcribe it:

A dangerous toy. This toy is being made for the extreme priority the good looks. The little part which suffocates when the sharp part which gets hurt is swallowed is contained generously. Only the person who can take responsibility by itself is to play.

I don't know about you, but I don't even know what it is and I want one.

SPELLING ERRORS

Spelling in English is really important. Really simple and seemingly innocuous spelling errors can dramatically change the meaning of what you're saying.

Mmm! Appetizing!

The Japanese often confuse "L" with "R". It's clear that they're selling "Fresh Juice", but "Flesh Juice" sounds like they're offering liquified meat in a cup.

For people who don't like their pets.

It looks like this is fresh grass for your pet to eat. Yes, even dogs and cats love to eat fresh grass. They do not however like to eat GLASS and you shouldn't try to feed it to your pet.

This fruit can hurt you

First it must be said that this is a perfectly sensible phonetic spelling of "pineapple". In Japanese, "ai" represents the long "I" sound. It doesn't work to spell English words phonetically though, and this is a good example of why not.

BAD PRODUCT NAMES

There are a lot of products with English names or at least western sounding names in Japan, but some of them vitually guarantee that no English speaker will buy them. Bad for the product, but great for us because it's a mistake that can have hilarious results.

Where did this chocolate come from?

Nobody should ever give any food product a name that in any way reminds you of your butt. Ever. This goes double for chocolate because it already looks like poo.

I hope you also sell hats

"Woops" sounds like they're mistake prone. You do not want to hear WOOPS when you're paying 29.99 to have your hair cut unless you like looking silly.

Maybe I'll go find a McDonald's instead.

This is probably a snack stand in an airport terminal and it seems logical to therefore call it the "Terminal Snack Stand". Unfortunately, "terminal" is also an adjective meaning "fatal". Basically the name of this snack bar says "THIS SNACK STAND WILL KILL YOU". I think I'll eat somewhere else.

INNUENDO

English is full of innuendo about sex and bodily functions. If you're not careful, you end up with stuff like this:

Can I play?

BJ is clearly a magazine about J-League basketball. It's also short for "blow-job".

To each his own I suppose.

Fudge is a tasty treat. It can also mean "poop". If the magazine had simply been called "Fudge", probably nobody would have thought it was funny. But calling it "Men's Fudge" sounds like it's fudge that comes from men.

Refreshing honesty

Referring to someone as "easy" means that they're easy to seduce. Most women wouldn't want to call themselves easy, and the women that do would probably find this jacket boring and opt for a baby doll T that says "slut" instead.

From over 40 different breeds!

"Wiz" can be short for "wizard". For example, a computer wiz is somebody who is really good at using computers. "Wiz" can also mean urine, and dogs are famous for their talent for peeing all over everything.

NUANCE

The way you say things matters and can have a huge effect on the meaning you're getting across. I offer these as examples.

Where do you put the batteries?

People are "her" or "him" or "he" or "she". People are never "it". That's for inanimate objects onlay. This T-shirt implies that the wearer isn't a person, IT is a robot or something instead.

Slightly less gross than trucker's fluid

I know what they were thinking. Ballerinas are famous for their fluid motion. There's a big difference though between saying something like "fluid ballerina" or even "a ballerina is fluid", which is what I imagine they meant, and saying "ballerina's fluid", which means "fluid from a ballerina" AKA "dancer piss".

Time for a new me.

I think they meant to say "do your own recycling", but it sounds like they're instructing you to mulch yourself up and spread yourself over the garden.

VERBING NOUNS

This one doesn't yield bad results, it just sounds silly. Fairly self explanatory. I'll give a couple examples.

SIMPLY NOT KNOWING WHAT YOU'RE SAYING

Again, fairly self explanatory. If in doubt, don't wear it, don't use it, don't say it.

I wouldn't exactly call you macho, but that's a little unbelievable.

In case you can't read his shirt, it says "BEWARE, I'm armed and I have pre-menstrual tension". Men shouldn't wear this shirt because they can't menstruate. Women shouldn't wear this shirt because bragging about PMS isn't funny or cute, it's obnoxious and a little silly.

WTF?

There are lots of obvious mistakes that make the message sound funny, yet you can tell what they were trying to say. These are the exact opposite; there don't seem to be any mistakes, but the message doesn't make any sense. I have no explanation for any of these.

Don't annoy this guy or he'll compliment you. Maybe even give you a hug.

What are bulldogs made of? POWDER!!!

Happy hamsters taste better than grumpy ones.

SOMETIMES ENGRISH SAYS IT BETTER THAN ENGLISH EVER COULD

Yes my friend, it is indeed.

SPECIAL MESSAGE FOR SOUR GRAPES:

That whole going blind thing is just a myth.