Merry Heaven's Day!

INSTANT GAME REVIEW

Modern Warfare 2 = Red Dawn directed by Micheal Mann

This has been Luis H. Garcia's INSTANT GAME REVIEW! Enjoy!

Oh, and Merry Heaven's Day!

here's my new home:

hailsnhorns.blogspot.com

please feel free to follow this blog or post whatever's on your mind. anything's fair game as long as it isn't 4chan tasteless.

i'd do the whole myspace/facebook thing, but i'm not 15 years old anymore, and haven't been that age for over seven years.

i did this blog in the past to write about my band, but since we're dormant for the unforeseeable future, i decided to make it my own personal spot for thoughts about pretty much anything.

also, i've been posting on ripcord gogger waayy too much, and i'm pretty sure that the 'mash is sick of my ramblings on his own site.

so with that said, please check out the site and have a good one!

-m

tekken 6 scenario campaign stupidity.

wow, does this mode eat a ton of ass.

enemies can block, evade and counter attack, yet you can't.

your partner is borderline retarded, and just stands there taking punishment like some sort of sex slave.

it's not even fun to play. it's not even fun to look at for that matter.



now my reaction wasn't exactly as shown above, but i did throw a chair.

2009 and developers still can't get **** right.

and i'm not knocking on the fighting system, and the other modes because they're pretty boss.

but to have a mode like scenario campaign really hurts the integrity of this game in my honest opinion.

*UPDATE*

K, so after spending a good amount of time with this heap (for some reason I have to get through this so I can get to the "real" game.) It's still a load of ass, but there are some perks.

You can beef up your characters with new clothes, and some of these actually enhance your fighting ability. Clothes and accessories are ranked from G to S allowing you to:

- upgrade your defense, attack, drop rate of items.

-increase the value of fight money.

- increase the level of damage while in rage mode.

- increase your maximum health.

- have your health replenish overtime.

- use elemental attacks on enemies (fire, ice, lighting.)

It's all fine and dandy when you know this halfway through the game.

This does have some major drawbacks.

- you can only equip 5 upgrades.

- you can't use the same/similar upgrade. (Ex. You can't equip two health upgrades, or two elemental upgrades, one of the two will be activated unfortunately.)

- when you buy items from the customize shop, some items are given a description and lists what properties it contains, a lot of them, on the other hand, don't which leaves you to run through some of the campaign's levels again.

- boss characters are unlocked through the arena and from there, you can play through their story in a single player arcade setup. Unfortunately each character's story is about 4 matches long.

I think I finally covered everything this mode has to offer.

It's story is full of hokey, regurgitated anime diahrrea with some extra cheese. It's convoluted and kind of pointless. I mean, jin waging worldwide conflict just so that he can get rid of the mishima bloodline?

Why not just fight kazuya and heihachi to the death? Why doesn't jin just off himself if he hates his bloodline?

Bah, whatever. 2 more secret levels for me, and then it's to the pure meat and bones of this game (aka THE GOOD STUFF)

Dear namco:

You suck. Please don't use this campaign for tekken 7's inevitable console release. Thnks. Keep it simple, but still keep it loaded with a ton of modes and options.

Thoughts on Tekken 6 and Prototype.

I got these today after I got rid of my wii.

I've been messing around with these games a little bit throughout the day, and I can say that I'm pretty pleased with everything so far.

Tekken 6

(Me Likes:)

-huge friggin' rooster. Like, king sized, and they're all unlocked from the start.

- lars alexanderson

- the cool "blur" effect that all next-gen games have for some reason.

- pretty environments. Some destructible ones too.

- lars alexanderson

- solid tekken controls. I.E. Jugglefest 2009.

- lars alexanderson

(What I think sucks)

- the "campaign" mode. It's total garbage, with a super cliched story that isn't really worth the time of day. And if you're a fan of tekken's story, get ready for some more head scratchers. The mechanics are dumbed down and sluggish when compared to it's arcade counterpart.

Why not go the route of normalcy and make individual storylines for each character through the arcade mode? Why should namco insist on making these mundane, half-assed single player modes for the sake of trying something "different"?

Why not make it play like tekken force mode at least? That **** was fun. Hell where's my tekken bowling?

Tekken 5 got something right where it allowed you to play through each charcter's story through the arcade mode, leaving that dumb devil within single player mode up to the players own discression.

I haven't tried any online modes yet because I know I'll get schooled. But i'm sure it'll be a decent experience.

Overall, it's Tekken with a new coat of paint, online capabilities and a huge roster. It's got the same mechanics tekken nuts are bound to love. I happen to enjoy the tekken series, so this tickles my fancy on many levels. What it gets right, it passes with flying colors, what it got wrong, fails miserably.

I noticed some topics on board 208 regarding the roster, and seriously, this is the largest roster to date, I could give two ****'s if kunimitsu, michelle chang, tiger, and forrest law are missing.

The newer characters are pretty damn fun to use. Zafina, leo, lars and miguel are my definite favorites.

I give the game an 8.5.

tl;dr

You'll love the game if you're a tekken fan.

You'll hate the game if you're not a tekken fan.

And if you're a fighting game fan looking for something to hold you off until ssfiv comes out, look no further than tekken 6.

Personally, I think it's pretty great, though not as great as tekken 3, tag tournament, or 5DR but great in it's own merit.


(Prototype)

A sandbox game where you take control of a dude named alex mercer. This guy is infected with a virus that gives him the ability to do pretty much everything. Ever.

(What I liked:)

- it's a sandbox game

- alex mercer's troubled personality. Even though the guy's a one man wrecking crew, he's also personally conflicted at the same time.

- alex mercer has a billion and one abilities, and leveling up is about as frequent as bathroom breaks with someone with a weak bladder. You're treated to all of mercer's abilities in the very beginning of the game, but it's pretty much foreshadowing of what's to come, so it backtracks to when the infection was first spread. But no worries since you will gain these abilities back pretty quickly early on in the game.

- satisfying, gratuitous, selfless violence on EVERYONE you see. Slicing a bunch of pedestrians (male and female) to hunks of meat, throwing them around and into vehicles, the river, helicopters, violent consumation sequences. It's strangley satifying, and it really gives the player a sense of empowerment, like you're totally un****withable.

Soldiers are common fodder for you to plow through, but you need to watch out for hunters and other otherworldly beings that you cross, because that's the real threat to you.

It's also incredibly satifying to take out an entire squad of police and military personel with absolute no regard for anything around you.

(What I didn't like:)

- the visuals are kinda piss poor for a 360 game.

-There's a lot of pop-up.

-Windows look like they're painted on buildings.

- new york city at times looks dull and lifeless, but when there's utter chaos amok, it's a total warzone.

- the way the developer's mapped nyc is highly questionable. I know the city enough to know that the manhattan/ brooklyn bridges are not like 20 blocks away from the empire state building. At least make an accurate map of nyc, instead of just pasting landmarks where they don't belong.

- product placement galore. And I hate it. I only expect it out of sports games, but why this? You'll see endless gamestop, game crazy, and dc comics advertisements along with fake advertisements throughout the city. It's totally wierd and out of place.

- voice acting is kinda decent, sometimes it get's hammy, and tons of forced swearing in an embarassing attempt to make the game "edgy".

Besides the negatives, there's a ton of fun to be had in this game. What it get's right the game pays off in spades, rewarding the player with a truly unstoppable force of a character. Powering up and leveling up are frequent, as you gain a ton of evolution points (the game's currency) for pretty much anything. The mission structure is good to okay, in a sense where it varies, but not so much, but not like assassin's creed 1 or brutal legend's secondary missions.

I give this game an 8.

tl;dr

You like carnage? Check this one out. Great game, visuals are sorely lacking, and usually visuals don't concern me too much, but c'mon it's freaking 2009, this game has no excuse for looking like a nice ps2 game on 480p.

My KOFXII review

I've been wanting to do this for a REALLY long time.

For four years, SNKP has been developing this game, or were they lying because honestly, this game looks and feels like it didn't take four years to make.

SNKP was shooting maaad retarded ****, making boisterous claims that they were opting the make the "ultimate 2-D game."

I thought," well, it's about damn time they rebuild the game from the ground up. Maybe they can make something halfway decent.
"

The last KOF game I played was KOFXI and in all honesty, I really enjoyed that game. It played pretty well, controls were smooth and ultra-responsive, the roster was huge and great. New characters like oswald were a blast to use, the systems used for the game were far more deep than SNK has ever used.

All in all, it was the last great KOF game in my eyes, and I only REALLY liked two or three of them.

I feel that in terms of gameplay, the KOF series was definitely moving in the right direction. Taking cues from MvC2 and implementing it into KOF was a pretty fresh thing to do.

Now, consider the options that SNKP were working with while developing KOFXII, they could've easily expanded on the systems it's predecessor used, maybe add some new gameplay element, while tweaking the foundations set by XI, while adding a shiny, new coat of that fresh HD paint the series so desperately needed since 1997.

Did SNK deliver? No.

Is it ultimate? No.

does it suck? Totally.

And sucking is an SNK institution.

Here's what I liked:

- the fact that I was able to trade it back in along with blazblue to get brutal legend.

- character sprites look fine, some look really weird and the overmuscular look to most of the male characters seem kinda forced.

What I didn't like: (jesus, where to start...)

- the price tag.

- the fighting system that takes 12 steps back twelves years to KOF94 territory. I'm almost convinced that the fighting system used in this game was purely a test engine to examine the fluidity of the character sprites.

- character movesets are abysmal. In a series of games where a lot of characters get a ton of moves at their arsenal, characters like elizabeth get like, 4 command dodges, and 1 command move.

Iori get's the worst moves in the entire KOF saga. And this puzzles me because wasn't KOFXII supposed to end the ASH saga? Why give Iori a moveset when this entry isn't series canon? Why call it a "dream match" when only 4 characters from the ash saga make an appearance with 22 characters in all? Why call it a dream match in the first place? Why not call it a beta? A 60 dollar beta? What kind of crack was SNKP smoking when such boisterous claims were made? Why is water wet?

This game is broken beyond any kind of repair. And to think, someone on board 208 claimed that this game was worth a full 60 dollars. Man, cocaine's a hell of a drug.

- there's only five stages.

- no story mode.

- the arcade mode is a time attack.

- broken online mode in which SNKP/Ignition are still attempting to fix. It's unbearable, unplayable, unbelievably choppy, and laggy. Tons of input lag as well. And this is after...2 or 3 updates.

- characters react to hits in extremely odd fashion.

- only one DM per character. Not even LDMs.

- this game was 60 bucks at launch.

- it's an incomplete mess. Raiden v. Elizabeth matches are an ordeal due to the handcuffs glitch that was never #*?!ing fixed.

I close this review with this:

You're pretty much asking for an expensive coaster that you can actually insert into your 360/PS3 and watch diarreah in HD, in all of it's jagged glory. You will get your 60 dollars worth in about 1 playthrough the arcade mode.

What SNK should've done was to spend another 50 years on the game, maybe then it would've had potential, but for a company in shambles as SNKP is, it really shouldn't come as a shock when they release yet another steaming pile of garbage to a bunch of people hoping to capitalize on the fighting game revival (thanks SFIV) only to crash and burn hard.

SNKP released this game to turn heads, to hopefully gain new fans thing is, they forgot that nobody buys their games, nor does the public (US public) care for that matter.

Games like SFIV, blazblue, and tekken 6 justify their 60 dollar price tags because they offer a complete and satisfying experience. They seemed to have gotten everything right in terms of pleasing the consumer/ fighting gamer.

For SNKP not to follow such important criteria just makes me want to climb a clock tower and go on a shooting rampage.

tl;dr

In short. This game blows. It sucks. It spits. It gargles. It chokes. It's a complete mess of a game. This title proves that the developers were more concerned with visuals rather than a visceral experience.

And to be quite honest, the visuals are a mixed bag.

You'll like it if you've never played a fighting game in your life.

You'll hate it if you've played countless fighting games in your life....or any video game for that matter

3/10

I give it a 3 because at least the controls aren't sluggish like classic KOF games.

and in a shameful attempt to please fans...whoever they are, SNK decided to release ASTs for download on XBL. Really?? I hope it fixes the GAMEPLAY and adds like, 100 new features to the game....

Seriously. FK SKN.

i sold a bunch of fighting games to get brutal legend...

this was like, a month ago i believe. i was growing tired of the games i had, and i really enjoyed brutal legend so it was pretty much a win/win deal.

i got rid of blazblue (limited edition version), KOFXII, and some wii-ner games that i barely even look at.

my reasons for getting rid of blazblue:

1.) it's not aesthetically pleasing to me.
2.) i'd much rather prefer the technicality of a GG game.
3.) blazblue's kinda light in terms of movesets imo.
4.) jin's throw chain.
5.) people picking the same three people online (ragna, nu, jin, SOMETIMES tager)

if you're a total anime nerd, you'll probably orgasm all over this game. but for me, the fun lasted for about a week, and has gathered dust ever since....until i traded it in at gamestop.

my reasons for getting rid of KOFXII:

1.) it sucks
2.) it's garbage.
3.) **** plays better than this.
4.) it was a birthday present, and usually i don't throw away gifts, but man, someone really had it in for me i guess...

5.) it's garbage.

i got rid of the wii stuff because let's face it, wii has more shovelware than it does PLAYABLE games. in a way, i kinda regret buying that system, after the novelty of BARWLL, MARIO GALAXY, and TVC wore down. but madworld and no more heroes is pretty dope.

small brutal legend review:

jack black looks like a cross between glenn danzig (late 80's era) and....jack black.

it's a game dedicated to those who love everything and anything metal. you have three major factions: true metal dudes (ironheade), hair metal dudes (lionwhyte), and the goth/black metal undead crew.

all the cliches are alive and well in this game, and if you were into this kinda stuff growing up, you'll develop that warm, fuzzy feeling in your gut.

(what i loved:)

- the story, it starts with eddie riggs doing what he does best, roadie-ing for the worst "metal" band in the world. after the stage piece knocks eddie out, his blood touches his skull belt buckle, and transports him into a world of metal. he pretty much becomes "the chosen one" the savior that will bring this world of heavy metal album covers to peace and tranquility.

- the voice acting's top notch, and jack black's lines are pretty hilarious. and it's sort of a different side to jack black. he seems more mellow this time around, and if you've seen any of his films, you'll notice the difference too.

- though i'm not a fan of ozzy osbourne (i think he's pretty overrated, and in terms of metal, i'm more of a slayer guy.) he makes an appearance as "the god of metal". and unlike his MTV counterpart, you can ACTUALLY understand the words coming out of his mouth. his lines are actually quite funny.

- lemmy killmeister (the killmaster) vocalist and bassist of motorhead also voices a crucial character, he's the ring leader of a group of bikers who heal your troops when you begin the stage battles. really chill character, pretty funny lines as well. he's recreated in the game fairly well, albeit more cartoonish, in all of his huge-welts-on-his-face glory.

- the art direction is cartoonish, and inspired by heavy metal album covers. that's pretty badass, and it really works well with this game.

- guitar solos that SHRED. you're given a variety of solos to use in the game. you have the face melter which does what it says. you have a solo that summons wild animals, you have a solo that strengthens your units' fighting ability, you have solos that build merch booths which supplies your stage with fans (and funds) to use bigger and better troops, and upgrade your stage. you also have guitar solos that raise relics giving you a place to upgrade your car and abilities.

(what i didn't like:)

- the length of the game is really short. it'll take you like less then ten hours to complete.

- the secondary missions suffer from assassin's creed 1 syndrome.

- the goth/black metal hordes are ridiculous to vanquish. and at times too much for the player to handle, this is also partially due to the fact that this game has some really flawed real time strategy elements. they also destroy your merch booths quicker than any enemy faction in the game.

- the currency system sucks because you don't get enough currency. i'm nearly finished with the game and i need a ton more upgrades to really plow through this game. and doing secondary missions at such a crucial point in the game's story seems redundant and out of the way.

- real time strategy elements. i don't know worth a damn of real time strategy. i'm not a strategerist (this was intended). i believe this element could've been done away with. maybe the concept had sounded good on paper, but it kinda falls flat on it's ass. i don't like having to rally troops and watch them brutallize everything in sight. it's kind of a cop-out because this game just screams "you're an awesome heavy metal dude, kill everyone, take no prisoners, drown them in their own blood!" you do that to an extent, otherwise, the major fights are all RTS based messes. the controls for the RTS sequences are convoluted and pretty damn confusing. since every button is mapped to something, in order to command a certain number of troops, you need to highlight them first, and then hold two buttons, maybe three to actually use them. but the AI is flawed too, in a sense that THEY DON'T @$#%ING DO ANYTHING YOU TELL THEM TO.

when you're just screwing around in the RTS sequences, you'll win by mistake, but when you actually try (two dark ophelia fights) they won't do a damn thing right.

i'd give it an 7.5, based solely on it's charm, and it's love to the metal genre, but the RTS elements could've been replaced with something way more fun. but if metal's not your thing, and you hate all things jack black, stay away from it.

but if you like all of this kinda stuff, give it a try. it's a good game. it's funny, it's incredibly charming and endearing, but it's like 10 blocks away from being great. i happen to dig that classic metal stuff, and jack black (his tropic thunder performance was amazing imo...that whole movie was amazing.) but i despise RTS and really wanted a game that i can crank slayer and just maul demons for like 15 hours.

tl;dr

game's good if you're a metal/rts fan.

you won't like the length, or mission variety.

game totally sucks if you're not into this stuff.

Beating up on Balrog isn't a hate crime.

Wow, the year's almost over. Good riddance. It's been a pretty tumultuous year for myself, and I'm sure a few others.

If 2009 was a person, I'd kick it in the balls, repeating my attack until the poor beast becomes sterile.

Hopefully 2010 brings us all much joy and tranquility.

Time for a review:

I've been taking a break from the fighting game arena to play more lengthy, involving action games.

Before I wasted all my time on assassin's creed II, I was on the verge of completing a few other games.

We'll start with the force unleashed.

I'm a huge star wars fan, I even sat through the prequel trilogy in all of it's overproduced, underacted glory. They're not particularly great films, though episode III deserves some kind of merit, since it was the most enjoyable out of the three.

once I heard about the force unleashed, and how it's supposed to bridge the gap between revenge of the sith and a new hope, I was instantly intrigued. Let's backtrack to late 2008 when it came out. I enjoyed the demo immensely, and had contemplated many times on picking it up.

Finally, over a year later I decided to grab a copy for 12 bucks.

that feeling of wonder and nostalgia washed over me, thinking to myself, "wow, this game is canon to the series? Color me excited."

Then we get to the vader part. It was depressingly disappointing. You can't do much with vader when compared to starkiller. You'd think vader would be given the abilities to do pretty much anything a sith can do. But no, all you can do is use your light saber, jump once, not even a double jump, force lighting and force grip.

I was in shock at how amazing the voice acting was. The voice acting in this game beasts the acting in the entire prequel trilogy.

The story is engaging, and unfortunately, is the only thing that keeps me playing this mess of a game.

The first couple of levels are okay. It doesn't start getting retarded til' you reach the junk planet.

By then, you're starkiller, you may have leveled up a few times before you reached this part of the game. By this time I started sperlunking my controller without a bungie chord or parachute, I invented new curse words, and pretty much argued with the screen like a bouncer at a punk show.

You'll die more times before you reach a checkpoint. There are a ton of unfair deaths, imperial soldiers and guards seem to have the upper-hand on a supposedly indestructible warrior of the force.

You'd think that with all these powers, you'd be able to plow through these guys. Not even with decked out upgrades would you be able to succeed this feat because they're always gonna throw you some wacky AT-AT walker that uses magnets to mimic your force powers.

Royal Guards take you out like a flyswatter, storm troopers and the like actually have ability. I remember in the films, these were just common banter for jedi to plow through. Not in this game.

There are also really ugly camera and pop up issues.

The platforming is dumb because I couldn't figure out how to get to the other side without dying 100 times, then finding out that I needed an air dash upgrade.

What. The. *#@+!!!!???

And here's the worst part in the entire game:

That stupid #*@+ing star destroyer sequence where you have to spend like, an hour and a half trying to force it down with your force powers while hordes and hordes of tie fighters try to take you out.

Not only that, the sequence was flawed because it'll signal you when all the tie fighters have been destroyed. But sometimes it'll signal you while there's still a random tie fighter flying around and you can do anything because your too busy taking down the star destroyer. And you'll probably end up dying, or canceling the sequence only prolonging the agony.

There are also plotholes in the game and in order to access them you need to buy the missions (ex. starkiller talks about his involvement in the jedi trails before he reaches the death star.)... I guess "digital molecular matter" was all these developers were thinking about, and even that's half assed. You mean I can take down a tree with force powers but I can't slice a random stone? I can't split a small shrub in half?

This game does more wrong than it does right.

It's an okay game for it's current price tag and story, but other than that, developers thought they'd bitch out on the actual GAMEPLAY and focus on "digital molecular matter" and running the game on three different physics engines.

I'm getting a migraine just thinking about it.

tl;dr

Game sucks, story's good, you have to pay to play plotholes in the story when it should've BEEN added to the game already.

This game easily deserves a 5 maybe less, but if you're a sentimental star wars fan it gets a 6.

my thoughts on assassin's creed (1&2)

seriously. this year's been nothing but a bag of DEE EYE SEE KAYS for me and i've been pretty much abstaining from any kind of communication as much as possible.

on to lighter news, a review if you will.

my thoughts on assassin's creed II:

i finished it last night after playing it nonstop this entire thanksgiving break especially since i have nothing to do nowadays. overall, it's quite good. no, scratch that, it's really !#@#%ing amazing, especially after the awesome/okayness of the original assassin's creed.

backtrack to late 2008. i always wanted to try out assassin's creed, i dig it's free-running mechanics a whole lot, so a friend of mine let me borrow it. i played it like, once. and it gathered dust upon my shelf til' early '09.

fast foward about...6-7 months, and assassin's creed II is about to get released. after watching a ton of trailers for it on TV, i grew intrigued, read the previews and did some research. i remember coming across a line from a preview that pretty much stated i had to play the first game to "get" the second game.

prior to this, i remember my experience with AC1, about less than an hours worth from some time ago. so i hop on ebay and order me a copy of AC1. super cheap, came to my house quickly, who cares about that.

assassin's creed 1 in my honest opinion had something going for it. pretty accurate representations of crusades era middle east with lush environments and hugely scaled cities. the controls were simple yet contained a ton of commands at your disposal. i really dug that, fight's were nearly perfectly choreographed, but enemy AI sucked a ton of balls, which almost made sneaking around kind of pointless.

but if you do decide to be a pacifist, the game is truly rewarding, it makes you feel like you're the most sneaky, agile killer ever. i really dug that as well. the free-running mechanics harkened back to another franchise ubisoft is most famous for, and that's the prince of persia sands of time trilogy. though this time, it doesn't feel as floaty as said games. the physics of it, the feel of it in general just seemed like the next logical step for the developers, catering more towards realism than total fantasy. and after playing PoP 08, i found myself playing AC more.

what i didn't like:

in order for you to carry out assassination missions, you need to gather some information about your target. and that's understandable, but to do the same missions over and over again, was ridiculous. this pretty much cripples the game's replay factor. at times i had to force myself to get through the game.

but other than that, i think that's all i can say about AC1 it's a good game, it has it's wow moments, and the themes, visuals and gameplay are pretty spectacular, but the mission structures and repetitiveness really slow this game down.

8/10

this game is longer than it should have been, there were times where i was convinced i was through (rushing through it partially because i already had a copy of ACII and was dying to play it, but forced myself to finish the first game beforehand.)


Assassin's Creed II:

wow, this game was boss. it improved on everything AC1 in every possible aspect. unlike altair, you actually grow to love the new protagonist, ezio. the game starts when he's 17 years of age, and ends when he's 40.

unlike altair who is already a skilled assassin, ezio needs to work his way up the ranks of an assassin, and doesn't become a member of the assassin's guild til' about 20 hours into the game (depending on how much time you spend with it.)

the mission structure is incredibly varied, which span from beating up cheating husbands, free running races, assassination contracts, courier missions, timed killings, finding treasures, collecting assassin's emblems, raiding templar temples, finding glyphs and solving it's cryptic messages, catching thieves and robbing messengers. there's so much to be done in this game it's ridiculous.

the story moves at a smooth pace, and spans around the next 20 something years of ezio's life. the moves you have at your arsenal look breathtaking if you time your kills right. you can assassinate while hiding in a haystack, you can assassinate while hanging off a ledge, you also wield dual wristblades and you can pretty much kill two birds with one stone.

my favorite weapon was definitely the wrist-gun, specifically when i hired courtesans to keep me from being spotted, and took out a target without anyone noticing.

my favorite part in the game by far, were the assassin's temples which are located in some of italy's most famous architectural hotspots. and there are basically free-running puzzles, in vein of the prince of persia series. but it's done so much better in ACII. you collect six assassin's emblems in order to gain altair's armor.

this game does so much justice, that it's hard to really nitpick imo.

but if i had to nitpick, i don't like having to constantly switch weaponry. for example, you use RB to access a weapon wheel, and it would be normal for you to keep the weapon you've chosen right? no, instead if you switch to another weapon, and you try to switch back to the weapon you've just selected, it'll be brought back to it's default, causing you to go back into the wheel and selecting whatever weapon you used before.

other than that, there's a ton of fun to be had in this game.

depending on how much you like open world games, and your tendancy to explore everything outside of the main story, it's easily a 40 hour game.

it has this whole religious / da vinci code conspiracy going on, which is pretty amazing for a video game to tread those kinds of waters in terms of story.

so if you liked AC1 but wanted more out of it, check out ACII.

after i finished the game, i was kinda bummed cuz i was so immeresed in the story, it was getting really good and then it abruptly ends, at least leaving it open for ACIII.

Tokipedia's Last Days

Due to shenanigans and words from an anonymous whistleblower, I will be shutting down Tokipedia once and for all. I honestly believe that the joke was once kinda funny then it began to decline in both quality and respect, Tokipedia represents all of the vulgarity that was not permissable on the GameFaqs message board and I don't really want that as my claim to fame. However, Tokipedia stemed a union where we could write up silly articles about Frydo and Makoto being the Chuck Norris of Third Strike and of course, SKN sucking. A certain someone posted a fair bit of hate speech on one of the pages and that made me think, is this what I'm promoting? Is this what I'm permitting?





Tokipedia was a website without boundries, no censoring, no nothing unlike the other FGB media like Mashymania. Tokipedia was arguably the red light district for the FGB and that's kind of icky.





But let us remember the good times, our fond memories of Roy Bromwell being the love child of Kenshiro and Jack Bauer. Let us remember Alex's days in the American Task Force along with Captain America and Stan Smith of TV's American Dad in their base, the Statue of Liberty. Let us remember Makoto.....





Let us remember $29.99.....





Let us remember....Oscar Wilde.





Tokipedia RIP 2007-2009

"Fresh"

-Oscar Wilde

BORE-DURR-LANDZ!!

Well, I've been playing Borderlands as of recent and it's great! I've poured all of my free time into shooting raiders and grinding dem levels. Borderlands is a immersive experience and by immersive I mean you can waste a load of time and it's like Diablo with guns and stuff, everyone except Cliff Blezinski figured that out day one of announcement.











Gameplay:
Alot of people make parallels to Fallout 3 when I beg to differ. Unlike Fallout 3, Borderlands has some real staying power and replayability, Fallout 3 on the other hand collects dust given how disappointing the DLC was. You fight Mad Max styled raiders on the post-apocalyptic wasteland planet, Pandora. You build different skills and perks and come across a multitude of all kinds of guns. Not the promised 67 Bazillion but a hell of a lot more than most FPS's let alone FPSRPG's like Fallout or Deus Ex. You can party with up to 4 compadres and blast some goons. The enemies are interesting however the constant same respawning and SKAG F*@!ING GULLY get a tad stale. This game is best played with a bunch of pals and under various influences. 9.5/10

Visuals and Sound:
The visuals are very neat, they've got this stylized cel shade thing going on to cover up the hideous texture popping ways of Unreal Engine 3. Now don't get me wrong, UE3 has lead to some breathtaking visuals in games like Mass Effect, Lost Odyssey and Batman:Arkham Asylum but the engine has to be used properly to have it shine. We all remember the Mass Effect texture pops during conversations or integral parts of the game and titles like The Last Remnant haven't handled the engine well. It all depends on who's in control, I think Borderlands has a neat style but the visuals aren't spectacular.

Titles like Prince of Persia, Naruto UNS and Valkyria Chronicles have set the bar really high when it comes to cel shading. The sound is lacking in terms of aesthetics, I like the western 'Firefly' tone to some of the music but the fact is, there isn't much music. Sometimes you're wandering the desert with a guitar's twang in the background and nothing else, I think that's to get across the feeling of lonliness after the heat of battle but I...wouldn't mind custom soundtracks...just sayin'. The voicework is corny and over the top...so it's perfect! 8/10

Style:
Games these days lack a significant sense of style, this game doesn't try and trail blaze, in fact it mimics the trail blazers. Borderlands is basically a parody of every single post apocalyptic film and video game ever made as well as a hell of a lot of movie references. Hideo Kojima school of thought is that if you like a movie alot, force it on everyone else and you'll either get yawns and sighs or admiration. I admire what this game does, when I had to take on 'Mad Mel' and I found out one of the guns had the tagline "Your move, creep!" I knew I was in love.You don't always have to remake the wheel, sometimes you just have to give people the wheel and put a little spin on it e.g the RPG elements, the art direction, etc. I'm a sucker for cool visual effects and references to RoboCop. 10/10

Overall:
Overall, I love this game and I'm gald they're making DLC for it. I will be playing Borderlands for a long, long time. Hopefully it doesn't go all Oblivion/Fallout on me and stop being interesting. If Gearbox wants to, they have a chance to make Borderlands a big ass thing in gaming history and it is definetely a contender for GOTY 2009.

Overall Rating 9.5/10

INSTANT GENDER REVIEW Pt. 2

Men & Women = Dogs & Cats

This has been Luis H. Garcia's INSTANT GENDER REVIEW. Enjoy!

So I'm playing Fatal Frame II Turbo HD Remix: The Director's Cut

It's a good game so far. I'm on Chapter 6.

It's like, it's not horrifying like Silent Hill 3 was for me, but at the same time it's kind of spooky and neato. You expect ghosts to jump out at you and put static on your screen whenever you enter a new room, and you're rarely dissapointed.

At one part, I looked out a window and then a little ghost boy jumped out at me from the other side and was like "Sup." I jumped a little, but then I just said "sup" back and took a picture.

Oh yeah, I should tell you what this game is about:

Mio and her twin sister Mayu are trapped in a village because they can't step over dead leaves and twigs that block their path. The village is full of ghosts that want to kill them in a ritual sacrifice. You have to lead Mayu around most of the game, Ico-style, and try to prevent ghosts from killing either of you. It's not annoying like an escort mission where the AI keeps getting itself killed.

You fight the ghosts by taking pictures of them. No joke. The closer the deformed, cross-hatched, sometimes bloody ghosts are to you when you snap a picture, the more damage you do. This isn't like RE or SH where it's better to run away from monsters, cuz the ghosts can go through walls and floors and will chase you around until you exorcise them. You also get experience points for taking better pictures that you can use to level up your camera. It's less silly than it sounds.

It's a spooky game that suceeds at what it tries to do: be a fun adventure game with ghosts.

However, the game has one awful flaw: I keep getting stuck in the game because I didn't press A Button in PRECISELY the right place. I end up wondering what I'm supposed to do next until I check GameFAQs and realize that I didn't press A button on EXACTL Y the correct angle of this one table in the room I came to a dead-end in. It's p frustrating. Be sure to ALWAYS be mashing A Button while walking around haunted houses.

The original game is a PS2 game, while the Director's Cut is an Xbox original game. However, it's fully back-wards compatible with the 360, and it hasn't given me a single problem so far. Most other people agree that it's one of the few XBox games you can play on the 360 without a single glitch.

The twins are totally incestuous for each other.

I highly recommend this game if you are better at mashing A Button at every corner of every room than I am.

Very Bad Games

Do you remember how back in the day, you would be ready to set EVERYTHING aside just to get the best ending for your favorite games? Well, here is why that magic doesn't happen any more for games like...

1. DEAD SPACE EXTRACTION (Wii)
This game is awesome because you can only kill bad guys by shooting them in the knees and elbows. And it doesn't matter whether you're packing a handgun or an atom bomb.

2. MURAMASA THE DEMON BLADE (Wii)
Colorfully animated 2D graphics always win over minor elements like gameplay.

So what the hell is this game doing at the bottom of my collection?

3. SOUL CALIBUR LEGENDS (Wii)
If you swing your hand left, Ivy will swing her whip to the left. If you swing your hand to the right, Ivy will swing her whip to the right.


And if you...






...well, no. I'm afraid that's all she does.

4. THE CONDUIT (Wii)
This game has got some outstanding reviews from everyone who's played it. So if I tell you that it's a piece of repetitive crap, this will mean that I haven't played it, even if the in-game timer reads "4 hours". (P.S. It's a piece of repetitive crap.)

5. PRINCE OF PERSIA - THE TWO THRONES (PS2)
I'm sure this game is one of the best of the series, but games like this just don't cut it for me. Actually, I'm not really complaining about the game - just only the characters, the gameplay, and the entire concept.

6. VALKYRIE PROFILE 2 SILMERIA (PS2)
Every time I see this game, I want to pick it up and play it. I remember it had very nice graphics and a serene overall theme to it, but the gameplay could have been better. And it could have been made by anyone other than Square-Enix.

7. KILLER 7 (PS2)
If I start playing this outright weird game, my family will sign me up for rehab.

8. CASTLEVANIA: CURSE OF DARKNESS (PS2)
My brother has played this game inside out, and I always used to watch him play this back in the day. But ever since, I haven't really bothered to play it myself. That could be because it blows.

9. MEGAMAN 9 (Wii)
I hate jumping over pits only to get hit by a bird and fall straight down. %%%%ing Capcom.

10. PERSONA 4 (PS2)
OMG why is this game collecting dust! *picks up and starts playing*

Mash / Nov'09

G.I.*JOE (2009)

Summary: I watched it twice
G.I.*Joe is a fun movie. It's not amazing, it's not Oscar material, it's not even intelligent. It's pure mindless fun, and it gets full marks for not wasting 4 hours of my life.

Then again, I've been a mindless G.I.*Joe fanboy for as long as I remember, so my opinion may not count. At the same time I'm also a Spider-Man and Transformers fan, but I can tell you a secret - their last two movies were terrible.

Public reception: Empty hall
It wasn't very heartening to sit in a barely-there crowd for both times that I went to the local Cineplex to watch G.I.*Joe - The Rise of Cobra. Then again, what was I expecting? Summer vacations are over and kids are in school or in detention. And 90% of the rest don't even know what G.I.*Joe is because it has nothing to do with Miley Cyrus.

It was a relief however to not stand in an endless queue only to get a ticket for a movie that may turn out to be garbage. I remember gate-crashing for Transformers 2 not too long ago, and that movie was the worst thing I've ever seen in my life. I got the tix for Joe in less than a minute. (What queue?)

My favorite review of Transformers 2

Performances: LOL, except Ray Park
The characters who made the movie worth watching were Storm Shadow, the Baroness, Snake Eyes and General Hawk. Everyone else was simply reading off their lines from the script. I've seen emoticons show more emotion than Duke / Channing Tatum.

The most over-the-top performances were by "Commander" and the President. Doctor Mindbender almost made the list with his impression of a gay hobo.

Storm Shadow and the Baroness made every scene they were in worth watching. You can simply fast forward the entire movie and just watch their parts because they're that much fun. And Snake Eyes - nuff said.

G.I.*Joe >
Star Trek
Trashformers 2 Revenge of the Failure
Hitman
Max Payne
James Bond 007 Quantum of Nonsense

Final Score: 70%

Samsung Corby - cellphone review

It so happened that last week I had a really good exam after the longest time and decided to celebrate by blowing money away on a new cellphone. (And also because my (old) cellphone would keep re-starting at random and I doubt its warranty would cover that.)

The Samsung S3650 AKA Corby was priced at PKR 14K (around US$175) as of 1 November 2009 - not cheap by any means, but I'd heard it would be $190 and was prepared to cry a little.

It's your standard 2G slim touch-screen cell-phone that has all the works, minus WiFi. For nubs, this means it has 80mb internal memory, Bluetooth wireless, USB capability, a 2MP camera, a Media Player that plays wav, mp3, mp4, wmv, midi and standard cellphone format media files (video + audio). Plus you can send / receive emails, and there's a separate Samsung web-browser v.1.0. It also has a bunch of shortcut buttons that take you straight to Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, YouTube, ImageBucket and other popular "community websites", as well as a Google Toolbar.

Oh, and before I forget - it has a straight out touch-screen, so you're not going to fold open or slide up / down any keypad. Everything is on-screen and will need to be touched. No stylus included and no stylus necessary, really, because the touch-screen is very responsive. (I haven't been able to locate the screen calibration options so far, but haven't had the need to reconfigure anything anyway.)

There is no way that you can prop the Corby like this without invoking the warranty.

In terms of appearance, and as you can tell from the promo pic above, it has a black front face. This is fixed and can't be changed, unless you have an airspray can and some paint handy. The cover on the reverse side is interchangeable, and you have 3 different covers boxed in to begin with. I got the yellow flavor which came with 1 yellow, 1 festive yellow (which was the same thing but with a fancy little spiral design printed on it) and 1 black back cover.

It's slim, but healthier than Naomi Campbell.

I guess the only drawback with the Corby is that you don't get a virtual QWERTY keyboard on-screen. You only have the standard numbered keypad, which means if you're going to text, you're going to have to hit the on-screen "2" key three times to enter "C". It's not something for which you'd want to hold a grudge against Samsung, but just to let you know, this is what you get.

The sound-quality / reception is good. (I haven't tried the speaker-phone option yet.) The phone isn't heavy and won't give you a bicep workout if you're making a long call. I haven't challenged Samsung's claim of the 4-hour talk-time, but I'll take their word for it. I'm re-charging it right now after 3 days of random use.

The package is very nicely done - a box within a box. I mean, I actually felt I'd bought something worth $175, so that's a good thing. 1 green mushroom goes to Samsung on the packaging design and quality.

Here is what you get -> 1 phone handset, 3 back covers, 1 battery, 1 charger, 1 really neat earphone / mic set, 2gb micro SD card, and a manual plus warranty card.

I'm no expert on cellphones and don't want to be one, but this phone is better than anything I've used so far. Let's be real now - it's an iPhone wannabe, and a really nice one.

Final score 88%

DOCTOR MINDBENDER TAUGHT ME EVERYTHING HE KNEW!!!!!

Warning------Half of this is going to be me shamelessly promoting tokaro.deviantart.com and the other half will be me talking about Uncharted 2

Hey folks! Tokaro here!! I was going to review GI Joeseph: The Rise of Cobra in the last 10 min. of the movie but Mr. Badmash is doing that so I'll just talk about stuff and junk.

I've been busy with school so I haven't uploaded too many sketches up on my dA account, I will most likely shift the focus to tracing over pictures of Sonic the Hedgehog and Inuyasha so I can get a million views like most folks, that's what kids are into these days!!!

Anyway, UNCHARTED 2 100/1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ZOMGZOHIDABJKDABNKA!~

It's pretty good but it's not jesus, I'm liking it alot but I haven't had the time to finally beat it, co-op is really fun. My PSN is Tokaro, hit me up!!

Vanguard Princess is the glitchiest game I've ever played.














Expect more later.

OH YEAH!!! THIS!!!

INSTANT GENDER REVIEW

Women are crazy = Men are stupid

This has been Luis H. Garcia's INSTANT GENDER REVIEW. Enjoy!

I've been upto some Stuff

This includes, among other things, preparing for my MBA exam on Marketing Management, which is taking up most of my time.

Which reminds me, I should get back to studying for it now and write some other time blogs no one will read.

P.S. Next time:

+ G.I.*JOE movie review
+ Dead Silence (Wii) review
+ UP cartoon review
+ FILL MOLAR DENTIST BROTHERHOOD anime review
+ Shatter Hand (NES) vintage guitar cover video
+ News on Brand New Motion Comic Book Project

Mash / Oct 09

INSTANT GAME REVIEW

I MAED A GAM3 W1TH Z0MBIES 1N IT!!!1 = Best one dollar game ever.

This has been Luis H. Garcia's INSTANT GAME REVIEW. Enjoy!

P.S. It's better than L4D.

Tribute to my first INSTANT GAME REVIEW

RE4 = RE5 WITH HISPANIC PEOPLE

This has been Luis H. Garcia's INSTANT GAME REVIEW. Enjoy!

INSTANT GAME REVIEW

Brutal Legend = Better than Dragonforce

This has been Luis H. Garcia's INSTANT GAME REVIEW. Enjoy!

V.R Fighter Vs. Taken 2

INSTANT GAME REVIEW

Streets of Fury = Best game ever made by French people

This has been Luis H. Garcia's INSTANT GAME REVIEW. Enjoy!

INSTANT GAME REVIEW

Contra Rebirth = Lance Bean in drag

This has been Luis H. Garcia's INSTANT GAME REVIEW. Enjoy!

And for the 136th post, I am going to

review a six-year-old video game that you all probably used to think was awesome, and have since gotten over it over the years. But it's new TO ME and I still think that this game is awesome and ground breaking and revolutionary.

This game is Silent Hill 3. It's a Konami game made in 2003.

Whoever is responsible for this game is a sick, sick person. All the monsters are just awful and you see some of the most horrifying things. I don't want to spoil the game for you, but it's just disgusting and you have no idea when stuff is going to jump out at you.

The worst part is that most of the game is calm for the most part. It just gives you threatening atmosphere, but not much is going on. It's pretending to be an interesting adventure game with some creepy monsters to chase after or that you can beat to death with a lead pipe if you so please. But it's only fooling you. When you're all relaxed after a couple hours of unlocking doors and getting further into the level and not getting into any trouble, some AH GAWD WHAT IS THAT STUFF Freudian imagery is standing right there as if nothing is the matter. It might chase after you too.

And I was afraid to play the game at all whenever Heather was forced to go into the Otherworld. Everything turns to gore. And I feel like I'm going to mess myself whenever I enter a room.

It's a thoroughly icky game and I highly recommend it.

But be warned that the bosses fights are ass. They're all very easy and repetitive. Totally kills the suspense. I wish I could just surgically remove the boss fights from the game and it would be perfect to me.





I also bought another ancient PS2 game, Killer 7. So far it's pretty awesome. There are invisible zombie suicide bombers that are always laughing maniacally, they're called Heaven Smiles. You play as a guy in a wheel chair with 7 other personalities, named Harman Smith. He's a complete bad ass. He has a big ol sniper gun that blows people through walls.

His first personality is Daren Smith. He's a black guy in a white tuxedo, and what he does for a living is raise the dead. Whenever another of your personalities die, Daren can go and get their head (which has been conviently stuffed into a paper bag by the police, I guess), and then you get to warp back to the last save point and mash X button to bring them back to life, Frankenstien-style. If Daren dies you lose.

Then there's Dan Smith. It's his job to shoot things with a magnum and be arrogant.

KAEDE Smith is weird. She uses a handgun with a sniper scope on it that shoots rapid fire, so she can kill the zombie terrorists from far away. She wears a white dress that cuts short, but it's always blood stained, and she's always bear foot. She slits her wrists to suck up blood or spray her blood all over stuff to despell curses and barriers.

Kevin Smith is the guy without a shirt who never talks. He throws knives at zombies and can turn invisible like they do. Unfortunately, he has nothing to do with one of my favorite movie directors. : - (

Coyote Smith is the lock picker. He also jumps really high. He looks like the guy from GTA Vice City. He also holds his gun upside down for some reason.

Con is the teenage ninja kid who is always wearing a bandanna. He's really fast and uses dual pistols. That's all there is to really know, he's good if you're trying to speed run, but he can't take hits IMO.

Then there's MASK de Smith. Suda51 must have some obsession with MASKED LUCHADORE WRESTLERS, cuz he is easily the most awesome personality. He's simply a dude wear a red Luchadore mask that's always wearing a cap and a white tuxedo. He fights with wrestling moves and two hand-held grenade launchers. No joke. In one cutscene, someone tries to shoot MASK de Smith in the face, and MASK de Smith just headbutts the bullet and crushes it. Doesn't leave a scratch on him.

It's a very strange game. You spend most of the levels shooting explosive laughing zombies and talking to ghosts. The ghosts talk in radio gibberish but it's subtitled. They're all pretty quirky and funny characters, and so far I encounter about 4 reoccurring ghosts. There's your servant ghost who wears red scuba gear and has his eyes sewn shut. He is always advising and worrying about you. Then there's Travis, an old guy in a black wife beater who constantly waxes philosophical. There's the Japanese guy whose always bloody and warning you about how the next monster killed him and giving vague hints. Then there's the disembodied girl's head that talks to you in more radio gibberish like the other ghosts, but her subtitles always have her tell you a morbid story with lots of emoticons. ( ; . ; )

I don't like calling it a video game though. It's more like a collection of interesting puzzles and awesome cutscenes, and you hold down X button to move forward (not seriously), can only turn down hallways, and stop to shoot invisible zombie suicide bombers.

But it's very fun so far and you should play it. I found the PS2 version for five american dollars.

INSTANT GAME REVIEW

Beatles Rock Band = Rock Band with Beatles music and terrible off key harmonies.

This has been Luis H. Garcia's INSTANT GAME REVIEW.

Enjoy!

SUPER MACHO MAN

Yeah, so it's been awhile since I posted on the Ripcord Gogger, school and other engagements have kept me away from my secret love.

So here are some reviews!

District 9- HOLY ZEN this movie rocked harder than Dinosaur Hitler vs. Kenshiro and Golgo 13!! I mean, ask yourself...why would Wikus have sex with a FOOKING CREATURE!? Also african warlord gets his head asploded with a electro-prong. This movie has the Tokaro Seal of Approval stamped on it about 30 times over. 10/10

GI Joseph The Rise of the Mummy-........No comment. They played Boom Boom Pow at the end credits so that pretty much sums up the experience. 4/10

Mass Effect- I'm sure I've reviewed this before but I recently beat it again, Mass Effect was an amazing game with some slight issues THE MAKO *ahem* that would cause some jarring issues, it was a gripping experience and I cried with tears of joy when Captain Anderson laid out Ambassador Udina with one pawnch. Very moving in the manliest of ways. Also I was gunning to get it on with Liara however Ashley aka RACIST McHILLBILLIE came on to me and raped me in the Normandy bathroom. 9/10

Batman Arkham Asylum- A very fun game with great stealth puzzles, cool challenge rooms, great dialogue and voice work and incredibly lame repetitive and uncreative boss fights. 7.5/10

Obese Dutchess- It's ok, pretty fun, feed the lady some CAKE! 7/10

Katamari Forever demo- ............OBHJKFVAJIDBHAKHDALBHDLABHDLABLDBAKXB



It's Kirr or be Kirred.

so

I bought this notebook at the flea market a while ago but my scanner was broken. I got a new one, so here it is.

See it's a nice little Kung Fu Panda datebook, how neat. Wait, what's that?


Oh my, this is no good. A "surprise" indeed.

This is what the inside pages look like:

Yeah, I don't have any fucking idea either.

INSTANT GAME REVIEW

DYSENTERY: FINAL FANTASY = GLORIFIED CRAPPY FAN FICTION

This has been Luis H. Garcia's INSTANT GAME REVIEW.

Enjoy!

A pair of INSTANT GAME REVIEWS

SPLOSION MAN = Best Micheal Bay film ever.

Shadow Complex = Best Super Metroid ripoff ever.

The No Can Do It - Wii (2009)

I recall that The Conduit (2009) had some mega-hype surrounding its release. Being the world's least interested FPS follower, I didn't really take that into any consideration and was going to pick this game up because all I wanted was to pretend I'm playing an ALIENS game.

This game is supposed to have a deep storyline - I'm assuming this because I can't stand the way they show the in-game story, which is by way of two secretive guys trying to communicate over walkie-talkies for the game's entire duration. Which can become pretty boring real fast. (AKA by the end of the stage 1.)

The story is apparently how there is a conspiracy that the US government is being controlled by aliens from another planet - or maybe it's an evil scientist who has created a mind-controlling gas and is making everyone do his bidding while he takes over the world. Something like that. Or maybe it's totally different, I dunno. Like I said, I skipped over the story entirely - which is pretty ironic because apparently Sega has put a lot behind the story. So much that they forgot to work on the gameplay.

Speaking of gameplay - it is a load of crap. The buttons are all messed up and in the wrong places. Where the hell is the PAUSE menu, I keep forgetting - OH MAYBE BECAUSE THERE ISN'T %%%%ING ONE!? This game easily makes me want to truly hate the Wii-mote because I'm pressing the + button to get to the menu but the stupid BALLZ keeps coming up. (Read on, you'll find out.)

The screen tends to get 'stuck' a whole lot while you're turning from side to side. I know I'm terrible when it comes to playing FPSs but this isn't exactly the first FPS I'm playing, and there have been times where within seconds I've been KO'd by hordes of evil aliens - who happen to look like mutated descendants of Kermit The Frog and make cute whimpering sounds (Pikmin) when you waste them.

The bad guys come at you in sets of the same kind. In the 4 levels that I've played so far, they comprise of feds dressed in suits and packing a handgun. There are soldiers who are dressed up like this is supposed to be HALO. Then there is an alien being who looks exactly like the Megan Fox humping Decepticon from TRASHFORMERS 2. A jet black being that resembles a hedgehog. And killer bees with red protective armor. We sure haven't seen those before. Pretty serious business guys, please keep this game away from small kids 'cause they'll get scared.

You carry this little ball called the ASS with you that throws out some mystical light with which you're able to pick up ancient alien scribbling that's posted in invisible ink at random places throughout the levels. So basically this game is not just about blowing away aliens and random mind-controlled agents - in this game you have to look around for alien hints otherwise you can't clear the level. It sounds pretty interesting but too bad it's really a piece of %%%%

Press the + button to reveal your ball.

There are random in-game puzzles that you have to locate using your one ball. All puzzles apparently are based on turning around 3 rings until you get a combination that will do something sweet. I'm guessing this because so far I haven't been able to complete a single puzzle - not even the very first one - because they are all totally non-intuitive and even if there are any on-screen instructions, they are all in FINE PRINT so you can't read anything until you glue your TV to your forehead.

You get to use a number of weapons throughout the game, but here's the catch - for each level, you get pre-set weapons and can't carry over any weapon into the next level. Plus you can only cycle through 2 weapons at a time. On the flipside, you get to use cool alien weapons. And by cool I mean gay. For example, there is a gun that looks a reverse cockroach, and you're shooting pellets out of its butt. And when you shoot aliens with it, they make cute coo-ing sounds, making you feel really bad for killing it. I mean wtf.

I cannot begin to explain how much is wrong with this game, but here's a hint: it blows.

Score: Madonna / Weird Al Yankovic

I Like Taffy Remix

TRASHFORMERS 2 (2009)

I guess there can be worse ways to blow 150 minutes of your life, but my winner so far has been having to watch the latest Transformers movie. A lot of people have been saying that the director Michael Bay is more like Michael Gay for having made this movie - but I beg to differ. I think he has done a great job of proving that movies today are retarded.

Let's start off by comparing this to the original Transformers cartoons of the 80s. (Q.) How true is the movie to the classic cartoons? (A.) It isn't. Except Optimus Prime has the same voice actor. I'm sure that counts for something.

Another thing that reminds us of the cartoons is where in one scene, Optimus even transforms into a trailer truck - but that's an off-screen transformation scene and we only hear some sound-effects but don't see the transformation sequence. This is probably because the producers spent more money on filming scenes of a couple of dogs making out. No, I'm not talking about Shia and Megan.

Instead of complaining about how much this movie sucks, I'm just going to ask you to avoid it. Unless you're an r-tard, in which case you should totally watch it 10 times and tell everyone how awesome it is and how you're going to watch it again. But wake up: this is as close as you'll ever get to Megan Fox.

Score: A for Absolutely F'ing Gay

Mash - July '09

Turkish fighting game featuring Cüneyt Arkın: Star of Turkish Star Wars

This is Violence Fight-levels of awesome.

New comics for MISSLE LUNCH, vol.1

More to come next weekend! -Mash

Obligitory "I'm on youtube now" post.

Stay tuned.

INSTANT GAME REVIEW

Class of Heroes = Wizardry JAPUNEEZ VERZHUN

This has been Luis H. Garcia's instant game review.

Enjoy!

RE $0.00 (Disc 1 review)

Resident Evil 0 is a Gamecube exclusive RE game, which means all you N-GAGE owners can cry for the rest of your lives.

The game's engine works along the lines of the canceled version of Resident Evil 4 AKA classic RE games, i.e. you move your character along rendered still backgrounds. Only this time, the still backgrounds sometimes scroll a little bit.

We start off with the apparently timid STARS paramedic Rebecca Chambers chasing an escaped convict and winding up on a runaway train plagued by zombies, Orochi dogs, nasty mutated leeches, and a 30ft hi-fi Scorpion with a wicked sting and Dolby surround sound.

Rebecca is the girl with short hair and military gear
and Billy is the guy with long hair, tight jeans and a tank-top.
Which means the character designer could've been drunk. (Or a retard.)

Sooner or later, Rebecca and the convict known as Billy "The Kid" together de-rail the train. You get to play both characters throughout the game and can switch between them by pressing one of the 57 buttons on the Gamecube controller.

The Gamecube controller is quite friendly for 8-fingered aliens
(and even looks like one)

This makes for pretty interesting puzzles - like for instance, leave Billy in one room and send Becky into another. Push a switch or something that puts Billy into major trouble and makes you feel like a dope, so you have to switch over to Billy and get him out of there. Sometimes you have to do stuff together, except make out.

On the over-all, this game is classic Resident Evil material. And by classic I mean dope. And by dope I mean awesome. And by awesome I mean "Not Made By SKN."

Find a Gamecube and play this game if you can, it's very good~

My score: 49 Gamecube controller buttons / XBIX controller

Short XBL download review imo

I downloaded Rez HD from BrickBox Live Arcade.

This game fries my brain. It's worse than drugs.

inFamous: The Game: The Demo: The Review

It's like Crackdown with lightning bolts and Sly Cooper jumps.

Pants

Mentlegen.

I didn't end up seeing TERMINATOR BEGINS(AND ENDS AT THE SAME TIME LAWL) because I heard it was bad, I also didn't play the game because I heard it was WORSE!

Check it!

Nostalgia Warp

The original title of this article was going to be 'Spirit Evolution'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YUSzqnjakGM

Hey everyone, my 360 broke! YAY! Yeah it finally happened to me, E69 bros. Now I can't play GoW2, the only reason I got a 360 for $199.99 US . What have I been doing with my time, you ask? Why playing SF IV and browsing the /v/ obviously.

But other than that I was watching an episode of the old Robocop cartoon with my buddy yesterday on a 1990's nostalgia bender. Turns out the Robocop cartoon is awful, didn't see that coming!! I bring you the heartwarming tale of Alex Murphy and a police lieutenant scorned. It really ranks up there with SF USA in bad.





I would give my soul to get with these dancing asian girlies. MY SOUL!!


So anyway onto reviews of stuff.

Star Trek 9/10- Holy JESUS this movie was good! I thought it was going to be garbaggio! However it was lacking in Ricardo Moltobaln and saving endangered whales. I STABBETH THEE!!

Killing Floor 7/10- Pretty good, Left 4 Dead but taking itself too seriously.

Samurai Showdown Anthology7/10- I think I reviewed this already but it's ok. It's worth getting for VI alone but V and III man.

Zeno Clash- 6.5/10- Either Dark Messiah done wrong or Mirror's Edge done right. A pretty neat game overall.

Meet The Spy 10/10-Hilarious, watch this immediately.



Other than that I haven't played much, waiting for InFAMOUS and X Edge, gonna send my 360 away. Nice job, Microsoft....nice job.

Also Mai is flat in the KOF movie, let's just say what I had to say to Shadowchief would get me banned from this blog.

Gonna go see TERMINATOR SALIVATING and maybe not go see Quentin Tarintino Presents Kill Hitler Vol 8



















Tokaro:OH MAI GOD! HAVE THEY NOT PLAYED KOF BEFORE!?
Badmash: Lol, no one has!

INSTANT GAME REVIEW

Tatsunoko vs. Capcom = HE WHO JABS FIRST, WINS.

This has been Luis H. Garcia's instant game review. Enjoy!

NOT-SO-INSTANT GAME REVIEW

Million Knights Vermillion = IT'S A TRAP!















Now here's what it actually looks like....



This has been Luis H. Garcia's not-so-instant game review. Enjoy!

Will.I.Am vs The Jumping Wolf-Man

So I saw Australian Actors Origins: HUGH JERKMAN yesterday and I was pleasantly surprised....pleasantly surprised WITH THE LEVEL OF SUCK!!!! I mean jeez, they should have just called the movie, lets ruin all of the Wolverine, X-Factor and Deadpool comics you ever read and make Emma Frost a teenager and NOT EVIL and then pull a Battle Arena Toshinden and use the old "I know all of your techniques" gimmick at the end.













Sure is NOT DEADPOOL in here!!

Yeah, Deadpool was a massive disappointment to say the least. For one, he came off as basically sword wielding Will Ferrel in his demeanor and yet they didn't give the viewer enough time with this new and awful Deadpool to get used to him or even like him. He was in the movie for a good 10-20 minutes, disappears then reappears as the main baddie in the final fight scene. Also, Deadpool doesn't have Baraka arms, why didn't they just forge adamantium katanas!? That would have been ok, even sort of neat! But NOOOO! We made him a multi-power using douchebag with a stitched up mouth and Baraka claws.

Look comics are make believe and all but I mean come on, at least respect someone elses character enough to not butcher them to an insane degree. I know it's an adaptation and all and these kids today (like the double collared frat boys sitting in front of me during this movie) can't expend too much time trying to get the story but jeez! JEEZ! Deadpool isn't complicated!

Guy has cancer, guy gets surgery, healing factor regresses cancer, guy breaks fourth wall alot. The End.

But no, nonono, that's too much. Lets make him Ryan Reynolds instead.

I hated Ryan Reynolds in Blade 3 and I really hated him in this but at least he wasn't a vulgar ****head in this movie.

Hugh Jackman the Movie 2/10, I should have called this I get mad at how bad Deadpool is The Review.


http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/hr/content_display/film/news/e3i605e3e8798d54f48f94931da65c7b144

Hot off the Presses

Hey everyone, it's me! That guy! Dr. Sub-Zero 2! How's it hanging folks? For me, not so bueno but y'know it could be worse. I could be dead or playing COUGH 2001 or something.

So I've got some news, reviews and lots of boos that I want to get off of my chest.

First of all, dear fighting games community especially DAREALMASTA. I do not like SNK (yeah I spelt it right), I don't. Folks I know IRL say the big T has been negatively influenced by The Mash and such whn in fact that is not the case. I find the majority of SKN games mediocre all around and not that fun minus the few exceptions such as KOF 2003 (yeah that's right, I like 2003 more than XI and 98 when in fact it is total garbage.)

I tried getting into 98 UM and it has become apparent that driving a nail into my wang via hammer would be less painful than fighting Krauser. I've become more and more distant with the current SKN games. They aren't that fun. I will most likely buy KOF XII to see if it's anything spectacular but as I said above I think 98 UM sucks and it's the best one without a shadow of a doubt. Also, with the growing interest in KOF XII stateside, I've come to the conclusion that SKN is like the video game equivalent to Studio GAINAX. When they hit the nail on the head with any sort of effect, they will wh*** it out for years to come. Hence products like the KOF shump, KOF MMO, KOF Movie, KOF date sim, Pachinko and so on. The same is done for a show like Neon Genesis Evangelion. When it became super popular back in the 90's they churned out the eroge games and such and are still making products to this day. SKN finally gets a chance to do the same outside of China and Mexico

However the difference between SKN and GAINAX is that GAINAX churns out spectacular work on a regular basis. SKN has made about 3-5 good games.

• The King of Fighters 98
• The King of Fighters XI
• Garou: MOTW
• Last Blade 2
• Metal Slug 3 (7 is arguable)
  

I compare them to GAINAX what with them being piss poor and wh***ing merchandise like no one can. SKN, please remain humble. Fatgoon is gone and he was half of the ego of the company, please do not start developing your own because you guys traced some 3d models and called them sprites. Get me a Wacom tablet and I can do that too. Apparently so can Arc Sys.

KOF 2002 UM looks like a broken OTG fest. I mean Nameless for example, he has like 6 moves that lift off the ground, one of them being a 40 hit DM. And why is this folks? Because broken is popular! Everyone likes MvC2 right!? No. Not everyone likes MvC2, SKN. In fact it's a garbage game with the worst community of all time. Black dudes yelling "AW S*** SON, DAT CABLE GOT YOO ON LOCKDAWN! AAWWW BAYBAY!!"

Do you want KOF to become that? Well SKN, it never will because NO ONE LIKES KOF! If it wasn't for Mexico, you guys would be bankrupt (again.), you don't have the wide variety of games that a powerhouse like Capcom does (and don't get me wrong, Capcom is a shady company who churn out half assed crap all the time). You have to get Ignition to localize games like 98 UM a year after release! When is KOF XII slated, June 2012!?

But hey! The grafikz! They're bootyful! No, they aren't. They are totally disproportionate and the animations are incredibly slow. Apparently the frames are going to be sped up but that may cause as many issues as keeping them sluggish, you have to draw multiple frames to make up for the speed difference. Also, from what this reporter has heard, SKN doesn't draw frames because when Terry does Burn Knuckle he just poofs out of existence like The Flash and decks them in the face rather than the fly forward animation that we're used to and at least makes more sense than the Hungry Wolf using the Speed Force!!

He just appears in your face!!

But anyway, on with other stuff.

DW Gundam 2 -Quattro Bajeena is a CHAR! Best DW game since 5 Empires.Very addictive but if you don't like DW you won't like this. 7/10

Wolverine aka Australian Actors Origins: Hugh Jackman- The cutscenes are what the movie should have been! The game is just lousy beat-em up though. 4/10

WarioWare Inc.-Yeah it took me about this long to play it. Pretty fun, pretty stupid. Jimmy is amazing. 6/10

N+- If you played N-Game, this is the upgrade on crack! 8/10

Disgaea 2 Portable- Not as good as Disgaea 3, not as funny as Disgaea 1, not as good as FFT but Adell has a tie and Rozalin is hot. 7/10

Sonic Chronicles The Dark Brotherhood- I wish this was just a re-skin of Mass Effect. It's probably the best Sonic related game that has come out for about 5 years. It's a good RPG, give it a shot. 8.5/10

Prinny- Pretty hard, I didn't expect that what with the 1000 lives thing but yeah, I'm pretty afraid of this game kicking my ass. It's pretty good, pick it up if it isn't sold out. 7/10

Romancing SaGa- Wow, this game is amazilicious! Man if The Last Remnant sucked less and had better art direction and no Johnny Yong Bosch and no load times and fun and a good battle system and more charcters and PS2 graphics. I don't know what I was getting at but this game was an amazing find! 10/10

Tenchu 2 Stealth Assasins- Back when Tenchu was good. 8/10

Final Fantasy VII- This is not the greatest game ever made GameFaqs, sorry. It's a good game but IX is better and that's just out of the PSX ones. 7.5/10

MadWorld- Made me want a Wii. And that's pretty tough! Look Pimpin'/10

Megaman Powered Up- SO HARD! OH MAN!! WHAT!? SO HAAAAARD!!! GOD DAAAAAAAMN! One of the best MM games. 9/10


So yeah those are my reviews and I'm gonna see Hugh Jackman The Movie tonight with some chums, it should be